The next step.

Be ready to sacrifice what you are for what you could become.


I put both Little R and E up for sale today. Made the fliers and had a general overall sense of sadness to my demeanor. Even while I was riding R, even while I was clipping and making E beautiful. I went into this knowing it would be tough, knowing that I would have to sell them-- but as an individual I couldn't function believing that that was what I was going to do. When I ride, when I have a horse, I want to commit myself; I simply couldn't put forth as much love and effort if I were constantly thinking-- oh, I'm going to be selling you. It just doesn't work that way. Part of riding is having that emotional attachment, it's that partnership.

B made a good point tonight. I'm taking steps towards where I need to go and Little R and E were helping me to take those steps. They will always be special in my heart, especially Rowan-- I don't think you ever forget your first horse (especially after waiting so many years to get him).

Life is shifting. Change is always hard. But it's time to take the next step... and see where it takes me.

ma derniere chose francaise. (pour maintenant)

Oh dearest French class, assignments, exams, teacher.

I will not miss you.



Really.


Tomorrow I will rejoice in not having to study grammar any longer.


Plus-que-parfait.
aussi vs. autant
le subjunctif
les conjunctions
comparatifs
pronoms (ughh!!!)
qui/qui/dont



....ciao bella!

Developments.

I'm 98% certain that I'm moving to New York in June.

Little R and E are officially up for sale.
(although I don't have fliers made yet. JR, you know you want to...)

Today was my last day of classes in AP.

Tonight I finished my first of my last class assignments for AP.

I'm fearful for my French exam.


But it will all be okay.

Brave new world.

"I call Mike's hard lemonade "lubrication." Why is that you ask? Because it aides in women having sex with you." -NaB

Right on. I'm having a Mike's hard lime this evening, I wonder if I'll get laid...

sometimes...

I'm sure that this is falling apart. I'm ready to be finished-- out of spite, because of distance, or simply in reaction to some feeling brewing somewhere between my ribs and spine. Pervasive.

It's a struggle-- which option comes first? It's like when Ginsberg wrote about the mother he hardly knew, that's how I feel. Which ones in what combination-- education, marriage, nervous breakdown, learning to be mad. When I said I could end up anywhere I meant it.

Half of me resists trying. How easy is it to 'go with the flow'. Who's dictating what? You throw away things that I would save in a box under my bed. It can't be a girl thing.

I can wait, as long as nothing better comes along.

I'm ready to finish, or begin, depending on how you look at it.

reflections.

Sometimes when I'm trying to be focused on my thoughts something will trip me up.

Like tonight when I pulled the shower curtain back and steam collected on the mirror revealed:

"L <3 A & A <3 L"



there's always a reminder that he's not here.

22.

Celebrated L2's birthday last night. I've been in hibernation from social activities for quite some time now but I felt as though it was my duty to be the DD for this event, it's the least I could do right? I mean, she brought AVH to me so I definitely owed her.

We passed our evening at A's in some city somewhere near where I used to live ("these places look oddly familiar but I just can't seem to orient myself to where we are"). L2 convinced, no, required me to wear my SA scandalous dress sans tanktop underneath. I spent a majority of the evening attempting to stop people from grabbing/staring/commenting about my chest. Hence the reason why I never reveal myself.

It was rather amusing to be surrounded by intoxicated people once again, so oddly familiar to Cape Town that I can't help but reminisce about the Norwegian babe. Probably not quite who I want to be thinking about these days. L2 was thoroughly trashed by midnight and I was documenting it with photographs.

Finally around 2am we departed, L2 feeling crippled from wearing high heels and my eyes feeling sore from all of the cigarette smoke (bleh). Per L2's drunken requests we stopped by McDonald's drive thru so she could munch on post-drunkenness goodies. Oy.

This morning we went out for Saturday morning breakfast-- family style. Complete with orange juice, pancakes, etc etc. (mind you, during this we experienced a mini blizzard, it was quite something!)

Continuing my DD duties we drove back to L2's place where we realized she didn't have a key to get in (because I had driven my car) and her mother had departed for a shopping endeavor. We retreated to the car while she phoned her mother begging her to return home, "I gotta shit and we're locked out!"

I sat somewhat amused in the driver's seat while L2 squirmed in the passenger seat, "shit, I gotta shit!" Doubled over in laughter I mused on the numerous times I was in the wilderness of Botswana, my ass hanging over a hole in the ground. Unfortunately, there were no holes in the ground and no wilderness for miles. I giggled to no avail as L2 finally broke down: "I can't wait any longer, I have to go in that gardening pot." She couldn't be serious. There was no way. In disbelief, with tears streaming down my face, I watched as she pulled her pants down and sat on the pot.

The moral of the story? When you gotta go, you gotta go.





(and, she's gonna kill me for posting this.)

Quote of the week.

The other day I was riding Rowan and we were working on suppling exercises. Man that left lead canter is rough. We're working on straightening him during it and the whole process is so uncomfortable for him and D.Mar describes it as such,

"it's like you're taking away his binkie and he's uncomfortable with that."

Another boat, another adventure.

Saying "farewell" doesn't seem to get any easier with experience. I told AVH that this afternoon as we sat in my car. He had his arms around me, pulling me to his chest as tears slipped down my cheeks.

We were quiet for most of the car ride there. It's hard to know what to say when you don't know when you'll see each other again. The entire morning I fought tears. I don't want to be sad about it, it's really hard to not choose to be sad. How can I help but feel otherwise when this boy who has become so dear to me is leaving once again?

I stood on the curb sniffling, wondering what he was thinking, realizing we both have big adventures ahead of us. In that respect, it's exciting. But for me, it's scary too. It was so easy to be in 'the now' with him here-- to just feel wonderful about being near him.

So now he's on a plane again. And now I can miss him and wonder when we'll see each other again, and maybe hope that someday we won't have to be in that situation.

I have some big life changes ahead of me and it's scary and sometimes I wish you could be here (because it would be easier) but I also know that it's probably better I do these on my own. I know you get it, just like I know why you need to be on the (a) boat.



It's hard to be back in reality when you're feeling so numb, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

4 weeks 'till graduation. oh my.