I finished my South Africa scrapbook last night. In a week I will bring it back to Michigan with me and I will leave it there, hiding under my bed or shoved in my closet. It seems as though its completion has come at a very pertinent time.
My existence seems surreal, partly lacking passion and partly living with a self-induced numbness. Justification. Everything happens for a reason. Can I decide the reason? I have choices too. And I want to choose to be happy because this is where I want to be (it's where I've chosen to be), because this is where I'm supposed to be, I really feel that in my heart-- I'm supposed to be here, with Rowan. And if I wasn't here? I would always wonder why I never gave myself the chance to become better at something that is so important to me. I've realized that I can't be happy with someone else unless I'm happy with myself and my choices.
And in some ways I feel freer, it's back to focusing on myself-- what are the things I want to do to make myself into a better person?
I'm still very hurt but I've finally decided to stop being so gray with myself and to listen to my heart. To trust it. And be quiet with it. To listen to the wind in the pine trees and remember Christmas in Michigan with the family, searching for the perfect blue spruce. The rain on the roof, remembering Westmoreland. Settling into a saddle which feels so familiar and safe. Rowan smelling my hair. Your hands on my lower back. ....and know that it was real.
"This is how it works:
you peer inside yourself,
you take the things you like,
and try to love the things you took,
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into some
someone else's heart" (Regina Spektor)
26 October 2007
the X factor.
AVH broke up with me.
Saturday, following an extremely upsetting phone conversation where I proceeded to throw various objects across the kitchen and dining room, and post-phone sobbing into my pillow the girls (all of us already dolled up for a night in Daytona Beach) dragged me (still unable to breathe) into the city where I spent the evening numb and crying.
Sunday I woke up knowing that I had to see him. By Sunday afternoon I had a plane ticket to Ft. Lauderdale and was on a plane by Monday evening.
Seeing him made me feel better, as it always does. Yet it was surreal, trying to accept that he's not my boyfriend anymore, trying to come to terms with the fact that our separation is due to circumstance and situation, not simply that we're incompatible.
It's good and it's bad. Part of me knows that I have some things (people) to explore but part of me also knows that AVH just isn't another boy.
But I'm okay. At least as much as one could expect in my situation.
Where to go from here? To know if we can still be friends or not is difficult to tell-- but as MP says: Chin up, chest up, you're a wonderful young girl and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Saturday, following an extremely upsetting phone conversation where I proceeded to throw various objects across the kitchen and dining room, and post-phone sobbing into my pillow the girls (all of us already dolled up for a night in Daytona Beach) dragged me (still unable to breathe) into the city where I spent the evening numb and crying.
Sunday I woke up knowing that I had to see him. By Sunday afternoon I had a plane ticket to Ft. Lauderdale and was on a plane by Monday evening.
Seeing him made me feel better, as it always does. Yet it was surreal, trying to accept that he's not my boyfriend anymore, trying to come to terms with the fact that our separation is due to circumstance and situation, not simply that we're incompatible.
It's good and it's bad. Part of me knows that I have some things (people) to explore but part of me also knows that AVH just isn't another boy.
But I'm okay. At least as much as one could expect in my situation.
Where to go from here? To know if we can still be friends or not is difficult to tell-- but as MP says: Chin up, chest up, you're a wonderful young girl and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
17 October 2007
It's like watching grass grow.
Mrs. SP uses this term to describe my riding. Mr. MP thinks that I'm deaf because I don't respond to his instructions, "do I need to schedule an appointment with a doctor to check your HEARING?!" Look, it's not simply that I don't follow instructions it's just that I prefer to take my time rather than simply 'getting to it.' Right. It's something that I'm going to work on.
I've been in a much more upbeat mood lately. I think I've finally found my groove... and it's absolutely lovely to feel cheerful again. I'm not even intimidated by Mrs. SP as much, if she wants to be grumpy or snappy then that's fine, I'll just weed her gardens and try to find my way to her heart.
Miss ALN cut my hair yesterday. I nearly found myself walking into a $5 haircutting place but remembered that I can't really justify paying for a haircut. And then, in my adamant quest not to buy haircutting scissors at Walmart (evil) and in conversing with AVH learned that I already had scissors in my possession, unknown to me. Needless to say my hair feels extremely short and it's a bit strange, and I'm fairly certain that it's more than a bit uneven. I'm not too concerned though because it's usually pulled back anyways.
The girls have been wonderful and I'm so loving working with such a great team. It's nice to have some new friendships and to be able to share our difficulties and gossip with one another. I always wanted a group of friends where everyone was friends with each other. It's quite lovely.
I still feel as though the ground has been shaky with AVH. It's really a bit difficult to tell as he is on his way to Florida and we haven't been able to talk much. It's hard because I don't always know how to respond or what to say, and that's very frustrating for me because I want to be able to try to help him feel better about the situation. Hopefully my visit in 3 weeks will clear some things up.
...and perhaps most importantly, Rowan is being as wonderful as ever.
14 October 2007
Intervention.
Had a strange conversation with AVH last night. Part of me thinks that I should have been more concerned about it but I felt strangely calm. I still think things will be okay.
R is coming along quite nicely and I'm not getting yelled at so much, there was actually some praise involved this week.
Tried to go surfing today but the water was too choppy. I really want to learn how to surf.
And so, another Sunday at DCI.
R is coming along quite nicely and I'm not getting yelled at so much, there was actually some praise involved this week.
Tried to go surfing today but the water was too choppy. I really want to learn how to surf.
And so, another Sunday at DCI.
09 October 2007
Another day off.
My existence at DCI has almost become "normal life". I'm used to waking up early, I'm aware of the schedule, and I'm sick of the drama. I'm actually fairly exhausted with being around horses.
With the same feelings, MP is frustrated with me in the fact that each time he teaches me he feels as though I'm arguing with him. Bless, let's make it clear that I'm not arguing with him, rather I'm simply attempting to explain to him why I think what he's telling me to do won't work. DMar thinks that it's pretty hilarious and is trying to imagine what it would be like to teach me when I'm acting like that. Although I think the situation to be funny (when I my back is to MP I laugh) it simply isn't. Yesterday he told me that if I won't do what he is telling me to that I should just leave (yikes?). It's not that I don't believe what he is trying to tell me, it's just that it's difficult to not ride off feeling. I base so many of my reactions (in life) on feeling.
JC has been on my mind as of late, it's frustrating and confusing at the same time.
I have taken 5 days of during the beginning of November to go to Miami. Albeit, I've given up spending Christmas and New Year's in Mexico with the fam, it's extremely tragic that I must spend the holidays with such a grumpy bunch. At least I'll have Little R?
I'm trying to find a dentist and it's simply impossible.
With the same feelings, MP is frustrated with me in the fact that each time he teaches me he feels as though I'm arguing with him. Bless, let's make it clear that I'm not arguing with him, rather I'm simply attempting to explain to him why I think what he's telling me to do won't work. DMar thinks that it's pretty hilarious and is trying to imagine what it would be like to teach me when I'm acting like that. Although I think the situation to be funny (when I my back is to MP I laugh) it simply isn't. Yesterday he told me that if I won't do what he is telling me to that I should just leave (yikes?). It's not that I don't believe what he is trying to tell me, it's just that it's difficult to not ride off feeling. I base so many of my reactions (in life) on feeling.
JC has been on my mind as of late, it's frustrating and confusing at the same time.
I have taken 5 days of during the beginning of November to go to Miami. Albeit, I've given up spending Christmas and New Year's in Mexico with the fam, it's extremely tragic that I must spend the holidays with such a grumpy bunch. At least I'll have Little R?
I'm trying to find a dentist and it's simply impossible.
02 October 2007
Drama.
Horses inherently have drama tied to them. The fact that I'm essentially in an existence which centers around horses means that I am exposed to drama on a near-daily basis. Good thing I'll only be here for six months.
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