There's something absolutely comforting about friends, food, wine, and good conversation (albeit, even it's simply running around in circles trying to understand our male counterparts). B has an adorable apartment and I can only hope that one day I will feel so at home in my very own space with my very own couch and coffee table. I'm not ready for it though-- I'm not ready to have 'stuff' because I still have the feeling that I would have to ditch it and head for Africa or Europe or somewhere but here. Having old friends makes me wonder if I'll make new friends in Florida, will there be anyone who I will just click with so that we can leave our bitching between four ears and that's it? Perhaps. In the very least I'll have little Rowan, that may have to suffice. That and letters, lots of letters. (plus, who doesn't love getting mail?)
As Fall rolls around everyone seems to be preparing to go back to school, even JR in some dysfunctionally connected way. I'm going to miss not seeing my family and I even think (even though he won't readily admit it) that Bobby will miss me too... even if it is simply to have someone to blame the dirty dishes on. Ehh, I don't mind taking the blame, usually because they are my dirty dishes. At least he stopped putting them on my bed. [I'm totally going to do that to my kids if I ever have kids.]
I had a lunge lesson on little R yesterday, and the future is to really work on improving my own position in the saddle. Understanding the complexities of sitting in the saddle and using effective aides in the correct timing and sequence is at times overwhelming. I don't think that I challenge myself enough mentally when I ride, I also don't think that I demand enough from Rowan. Today we spent an intensive 50 minutes in the jump field, mostly with me concentrating on where my body was and experimenting with some of the exercises I did the day before. Rowan is sort of like, "what? w-h-a-t? WHAT??" because of how I'm experimenting, not in a rude way but just as a "I'm trying to figure out what you want from me" kinda way.
I realized that my trip to Florida may be a bit more of a frenzy than I had originally thought, I think I will start packing next week.
31 August 2007
28 August 2007
Ready to leave?
I read about friends [Jin] who have picked up and moved on, to new places, new lives. I consider these 'great adventures' [LC would criticize me for using the single quote here, "that's improper use!"] but then again, I consider any type of picking up and going an adventure... because displacing yourself forces change and change usually brings about some discovery or realization about oneself or potentially the world.
So I get to thinking, I've been in pause for what feels like a very long time (actually it has only been about 4 months) and this uncertainty about where I'm going and what will happen after that is still unsettling. I love being at home. So what if it's cheap and lame and perhaps even childish (which is how JR kinda sees it), it's absolutely wonderful. My family is amazing, my space is comfortable, and any other home I have between now and making my own will never be the same. Of course there's something about this city, maybe Michigan isn't so bad, but my city, my campus; it will be traumatizing that my transplant will put me in a place where the closest store is a Walmart. For fuck's sakes, a Walmart. I refuse to shop there.
September is a big month. Turning 24. (which doesn't sound that old anymore) And moving on. Maybe that includes moving on to a place where I will struggle to support myself, that will be an enlightening situation, perhaps I can look at it as educational-- understanding what it's like to not have enough food for oneself. (don't worry, I probably won't run out of funds until about 2 months in.) And when it comes down to it, I will probably come back. Or, well, maybe I won't. I don't really know what will happen.
I sorted things out with AVH. It was the first time during our relationship where I've actually been angry with him. I don't like being angry with him because it makes me think irrationally. I learned some things from the situation though, and it feels good to know that we can sit down, talk, and that in the end, no matter how hard I try to resist, he can always make me laugh and smile.
So I get to thinking, I've been in pause for what feels like a very long time (actually it has only been about 4 months) and this uncertainty about where I'm going and what will happen after that is still unsettling. I love being at home. So what if it's cheap and lame and perhaps even childish (which is how JR kinda sees it), it's absolutely wonderful. My family is amazing, my space is comfortable, and any other home I have between now and making my own will never be the same. Of course there's something about this city, maybe Michigan isn't so bad, but my city, my campus; it will be traumatizing that my transplant will put me in a place where the closest store is a Walmart. For fuck's sakes, a Walmart. I refuse to shop there.
September is a big month. Turning 24. (which doesn't sound that old anymore) And moving on. Maybe that includes moving on to a place where I will struggle to support myself, that will be an enlightening situation, perhaps I can look at it as educational-- understanding what it's like to not have enough food for oneself. (don't worry, I probably won't run out of funds until about 2 months in.) And when it comes down to it, I will probably come back. Or, well, maybe I won't. I don't really know what will happen.
I sorted things out with AVH. It was the first time during our relationship where I've actually been angry with him. I don't like being angry with him because it makes me think irrationally. I learned some things from the situation though, and it feels good to know that we can sit down, talk, and that in the end, no matter how hard I try to resist, he can always make me laugh and smile.
26 August 2007
I'm not ready to make nice.
"I knew that email wouldn't make you feel better."
What the fuck? Then why the hell would you send it?
Maybe I'm not trying to feel better, maybe I'm just trying to find a way to come to grips with sharing my boy with American girls. I mean, it's not sharing in the literal sense of the word but it is sharing in some way. So why am I so perturbed about this? Because I was one of those girls. I was the girl who could be quoted as saying, "oh he has a girlfriend? That never stopped anyone." And it never stopped me, ever. Not here, not in South Africa, not when I had a boyfriend, not when he had a girlfriend, not if they were "in love" with their significant other (never me, I never was until now, I never dished it out that easily.), not if there were strong emotions involved. By the end of my last semester at Owen Liz had coined me "the predator," if I wanted a boy I was on a mission to get him. But I never really understood this because boys were always (unwanted on my end) pursuing me and I was always trying to figure out how to be nice while simultaneously getting them to move on. (I guess sometimes that depended on me leaving the country, I'm always fleeing, as if leaving is the answer... but of course it's always easier to be the one doing the leaving.) Remember HSB? And that boy from the HF? Or the Election Boy? (he was SO hot, and potentially the reason why I was a Political Science major...) Even LC, I could probably get him if I actually tried.
But none of this is the point, not really. It was because I was always looking for something more, I was looking for something that felt right (something like SFB1, except in more mature circumstances.). And then I had the Final Fling. At the time I didn't realize it would be the Final Fling, he was Norwegian and exotic, radiating sexual vibes and turning heads so that when Gary and I were sitting on Jammie steps I couldn't help but proclaim that I would get him,
Gary: but I think he has a girlfriend.
Me: so?
It wasn't difficult to "get him" because in recent years I've found that if I'm just myself it suffices. The Nordic Babe was the perfect mix of sports and fun, the number of times we went out together would have made his girlfriend fuming. I didn't care, she wasn't there and neither him nor I was going to tell her. (Distance can hide many things. It did and it still has.) All along I knew that he was just my fling of '06, I knew that I would always remember him as that dreamy surreal infatuation, something that seemed to go along with my whole experience in that country.
And between all of this came AVH. He was cute but I was still infatuated with the Nordic Babe to really notice. Sometimes I think that where I'm at right now would be a whole lot better if what had happened during my last two weeks in that country had been different. I love AVH dearly but having an ocean separate us makes it difficult to conceptualize how the hell this is supposed to work. So what, I've got my doubts.
The whole point of this is in response to what B has eloquently summarized as his stating: we're really far away from each other and all these women were throwing themselves at me and I was totally into it cause it made me feel important.
I understand that it's nice to know that people are attracted to you, but the point of this paragraph: is it to make me pissed? Sad? Reconsider our situation? Because these are all of the emotions that I am having; and quite frankly, I think that my response is a very typical one. I don't see how any good could come from this, "oh honey, I'm so happy that girls are throwing themselves at you, my perception of your cuteness has evidence now." So if you were trying to make me cry I would just like to let you know that it worked.
(I don't want to be discouraging of AVH having fun but American girls scare me because I feel like I used to act like one.)
I think it's important for you to have fun but I also think it's important for you to not make me feel this way.
I finally washed you out of my sheets today, it was probably time.
What the fuck? Then why the hell would you send it?
Maybe I'm not trying to feel better, maybe I'm just trying to find a way to come to grips with sharing my boy with American girls. I mean, it's not sharing in the literal sense of the word but it is sharing in some way. So why am I so perturbed about this? Because I was one of those girls. I was the girl who could be quoted as saying, "oh he has a girlfriend? That never stopped anyone." And it never stopped me, ever. Not here, not in South Africa, not when I had a boyfriend, not when he had a girlfriend, not if they were "in love" with their significant other (never me, I never was until now, I never dished it out that easily.), not if there were strong emotions involved. By the end of my last semester at Owen Liz had coined me "the predator," if I wanted a boy I was on a mission to get him. But I never really understood this because boys were always (unwanted on my end) pursuing me and I was always trying to figure out how to be nice while simultaneously getting them to move on. (I guess sometimes that depended on me leaving the country, I'm always fleeing, as if leaving is the answer... but of course it's always easier to be the one doing the leaving.) Remember HSB? And that boy from the HF? Or the Election Boy? (he was SO hot, and potentially the reason why I was a Political Science major...) Even LC, I could probably get him if I actually tried.
But none of this is the point, not really. It was because I was always looking for something more, I was looking for something that felt right (something like SFB1, except in more mature circumstances.). And then I had the Final Fling. At the time I didn't realize it would be the Final Fling, he was Norwegian and exotic, radiating sexual vibes and turning heads so that when Gary and I were sitting on Jammie steps I couldn't help but proclaim that I would get him,
Gary: but I think he has a girlfriend.
Me: so?
It wasn't difficult to "get him" because in recent years I've found that if I'm just myself it suffices. The Nordic Babe was the perfect mix of sports and fun, the number of times we went out together would have made his girlfriend fuming. I didn't care, she wasn't there and neither him nor I was going to tell her. (Distance can hide many things. It did and it still has.) All along I knew that he was just my fling of '06, I knew that I would always remember him as that dreamy surreal infatuation, something that seemed to go along with my whole experience in that country.
And between all of this came AVH. He was cute but I was still infatuated with the Nordic Babe to really notice. Sometimes I think that where I'm at right now would be a whole lot better if what had happened during my last two weeks in that country had been different. I love AVH dearly but having an ocean separate us makes it difficult to conceptualize how the hell this is supposed to work. So what, I've got my doubts.
The whole point of this is in response to what B has eloquently summarized as his stating: we're really far away from each other and all these women were throwing themselves at me and I was totally into it cause it made me feel important.
I understand that it's nice to know that people are attracted to you, but the point of this paragraph: is it to make me pissed? Sad? Reconsider our situation? Because these are all of the emotions that I am having; and quite frankly, I think that my response is a very typical one. I don't see how any good could come from this, "oh honey, I'm so happy that girls are throwing themselves at you, my perception of your cuteness has evidence now." So if you were trying to make me cry I would just like to let you know that it worked.
(I don't want to be discouraging of AVH having fun but American girls scare me because I feel like I used to act like one.)
I think it's important for you to have fun but I also think it's important for you to not make me feel this way.
I finally washed you out of my sheets today, it was probably time.
24 August 2007
On life, with ponies.
It's hard for me to conceptualize the fact that I'll be leaving for Florida in just shy of a month. I'm beginning to think that it's one of those trips where you don't really realize that you're actually doing it until you've been in your intended destination for several days.
Florida. Anyone who is anyone in the dressage world goes to Florida for the winter. It's a great migration south, away from the snow and cold and into those convertibles and farms where board is $1500 per month. Maybe it's tough for me to imagine it because I can't imagine Rowan in Florida. I can't imagine how I am supposed to support myself and my horse for at least six months... on no income.
When I was younger I always figured that after I finished college I would be in a big corporate office in New York city, wearing my business suit and high heels. Now, 4 months out of college, I'm shoveling shit (ok not that I mind because Rowan is like my child) and wondering how I'm going to feed myself 3 months from now. My situation is so contradictory-- I'm about to spend a mini-fortune transplanting myself and my horse to Florida so that when I arrive I will have barely enough money for food, let alone any sort of romping around. Perhaps I'm placing too much faith in the notion that "it will work out"... I will find a side job for the one day I have off work (cringe) and will potentially learn how to be an effective yet brilliant and creative cook.
Actually, my stomach forms a knot when I think about it. Working 6 days a week with no foreseeable vacations, the sparse "working student diet", waking up at 6am, and *gasp* lack of wireless internet. Studying for the GRE, researching programs, applying, making decisions about a future that I'm not so sure about (not so sure in the fact that my next step after Florida will be to make some cash so I can live like a normal person). Sometimes I think that if I didn't have Rowan it would be easier, I wouldn't need to be tied to here or there or worry about feeling stuck if the situation is bad. But I have also taken into account that part of my decision in keeping him means that I accept the consequences of the WS position.
I'm starting to think about what to put on my list of things I need not forget while I'm down South, those important things that may be challenged while I'm down there.
Oh boy, Florida will sure be a big growing up experience...
Florida. Anyone who is anyone in the dressage world goes to Florida for the winter. It's a great migration south, away from the snow and cold and into those convertibles and farms where board is $1500 per month. Maybe it's tough for me to imagine it because I can't imagine Rowan in Florida. I can't imagine how I am supposed to support myself and my horse for at least six months... on no income.
When I was younger I always figured that after I finished college I would be in a big corporate office in New York city, wearing my business suit and high heels. Now, 4 months out of college, I'm shoveling shit (ok not that I mind because Rowan is like my child) and wondering how I'm going to feed myself 3 months from now. My situation is so contradictory-- I'm about to spend a mini-fortune transplanting myself and my horse to Florida so that when I arrive I will have barely enough money for food, let alone any sort of romping around. Perhaps I'm placing too much faith in the notion that "it will work out"... I will find a side job for the one day I have off work (cringe) and will potentially learn how to be an effective yet brilliant and creative cook.
Actually, my stomach forms a knot when I think about it. Working 6 days a week with no foreseeable vacations, the sparse "working student diet", waking up at 6am, and *gasp* lack of wireless internet. Studying for the GRE, researching programs, applying, making decisions about a future that I'm not so sure about (not so sure in the fact that my next step after Florida will be to make some cash so I can live like a normal person). Sometimes I think that if I didn't have Rowan it would be easier, I wouldn't need to be tied to here or there or worry about feeling stuck if the situation is bad. But I have also taken into account that part of my decision in keeping him means that I accept the consequences of the WS position.
I'm starting to think about what to put on my list of things I need not forget while I'm down South, those important things that may be challenged while I'm down there.
Oh boy, Florida will sure be a big growing up experience...
21 August 2007
Airports.
I love the airport and then I hate the airport. Airports are places where simultaneously people experience both extreme joy and extreme sadness.
Arrivals is smiles and laughing, hugs and kisses (in the joyous sense) and the general overall elation of seeing someone whom you haven't seen in a while.
Departures is tears and sniffling, hugs and kisses and the overall sadness of saying farewell to someone whom you care about.
Last week I loved the airport, this week I loathe it.
Arrivals is smiles and laughing, hugs and kisses (in the joyous sense) and the general overall elation of seeing someone whom you haven't seen in a while.
Departures is tears and sniffling, hugs and kisses and the overall sadness of saying farewell to someone whom you care about.
Last week I loved the airport, this week I loathe it.
20 August 2007
ladies and gentlemen, the bubble has burst.
I love having AVH around. Really. It's tough to deny that life is bliss, perhaps bordering the edge of unrealistic when he is in the vicinity. It's what I affectionately call: the bubble effect.
When you're in the bubble everything and everyone else simply becomes a mirage. The cell phone gets turned off ("your cell phone was off last night... your cell phone is NEVER off!") and phone calls don't get returned. It's like a fuck you to the world, no news, even the weather doesn't impact my happy space.
Being in the bubble is great, for a week, or two, or even three. But I think after that some reality starts to set in. Although, I don't know, I don't think we've even been around each other for longer than three weeks consecutively. Ah well, perhaps that's what maintains the elusiveness of this all.
The bubble is awesome-- but when the bubble bursts life sorta shatters from 20m up in the air and remains that way for a few crippling days. It sucks. I cry. And stop eating. And, in general, mope around like I'm a pro at it. Yet, the brilliant thing about it all is that I eventually start to feel better, I get back into the routine of nightly Skype calls (when internet access permits, on the other end) and even SMSing. And such is life. Such is what I have chosen to deal with and in the big picture, I think it's all worth it.
When you're in the bubble everything and everyone else simply becomes a mirage. The cell phone gets turned off ("your cell phone was off last night... your cell phone is NEVER off!") and phone calls don't get returned. It's like a fuck you to the world, no news, even the weather doesn't impact my happy space.
Being in the bubble is great, for a week, or two, or even three. But I think after that some reality starts to set in. Although, I don't know, I don't think we've even been around each other for longer than three weeks consecutively. Ah well, perhaps that's what maintains the elusiveness of this all.
The bubble is awesome-- but when the bubble bursts life sorta shatters from 20m up in the air and remains that way for a few crippling days. It sucks. I cry. And stop eating. And, in general, mope around like I'm a pro at it. Yet, the brilliant thing about it all is that I eventually start to feel better, I get back into the routine of nightly Skype calls (when internet access permits, on the other end) and even SMSing. And such is life. Such is what I have chosen to deal with and in the big picture, I think it's all worth it.
07 August 2007
fast cars and freedom.
Michigan Daily.
Today's weather: HI: 52, LO: 33.
Coming Friday: Bugs in the East Quad Residence Hall cafeteria: An adventure in sustainability.
"Why are you doing this to me? Why are you choosing me? I will hurt you, you'll just be another number and another chance for me to not learn. I don't know why I don't learn, or why I'm so careless. I'm mean, I know, I'm selfish. I can't use that for justification in hurting other people. I'm numb. I'm blinded. My kindness is vicious. I'm beyond making reparations. I'm simply destructive. I should come with a disclaimer. Despite your desire, hold your breath. I was selfish to not say anything sooner.
Just because it's the way humanity is doesn't mean I can't change or be different."
<3 KE.
Today's weather: HI: 52, LO: 33.
Coming Friday: Bugs in the East Quad Residence Hall cafeteria: An adventure in sustainability.
"Why are you doing this to me? Why are you choosing me? I will hurt you, you'll just be another number and another chance for me to not learn. I don't know why I don't learn, or why I'm so careless. I'm mean, I know, I'm selfish. I can't use that for justification in hurting other people. I'm numb. I'm blinded. My kindness is vicious. I'm beyond making reparations. I'm simply destructive. I should come with a disclaimer. Despite your desire, hold your breath. I was selfish to not say anything sooner.
Just because it's the way humanity is doesn't mean I can't change or be different."
<3 KE.
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