"You're too pretty to be doing a job like this."

That's what one of their own kin said to me a few days ago. So, I quit. Really, I quit. I put in my two week notice and we're goin' home!

Obviously this decision has been in the making. I'm very pleased with myself for finally becoming smart and deciding to leave but I'm a bit disappointed that it took this long for me to figure it out. The truth is that I don't really want to leave, I held out for so long because I thought he would get better, I thought the situation would get better, but perhaps simply because the experience was not fulfilling enough from the riding perspective. We progressed and now, 2 months later, we're behind where I was when we first arrived. 5 steps forward, 8 steps back. So frustrating.

What pushed me over the edge? Repairs on my car. Visiting West Palm for the weekend. Looking at my bank account, seeing the real world again. It's time to go.

Leaving the girls will be tough but leaving this place won't be tough. I've given more than enough of myself, I'm not getting what I came for. Time to go home.

Home. AA. Love that place. Won't be there long. Home and then into the ocean.

Will you come and rescue me?

This past week I almost called it quits. I'm exhausted, overworked, and trying to justify being here when I'm not riding. Not riding and not making money. Money to pay for things I can't afford. $235 for 2 front shoes every 6 weeks? It's not feasible for me to support myself and Rowan. I simply can't do it. Rusted fuel lines on my car. I simply can't afford all of the maintenance. And in the midst of it all I hardly have a chance to take care of myself. Working 6:30am - 7:30pm most nights leaves me with little desire to do anything, to be social, to cook, to read, to write, to think. And I think that's terrible. I really do. I can't even be a real person, that's how I feel.

Mrs. Poo started giving me jobs to do during my 2:00 lesson time, because heaven forbid I sit and watch the others ride. It makes me so angry. If I'm not riding I should at least have that time for myself.

I'm really starting to think this whole thing is bullshit. Can I say it's unethical? Having a 15 minute lunch break during a 13 hour work day? (our only break) We work so hard here, we're very responsible considering everything we need to do, the animals we need to take care of. But really, it's burning me out and really, they are taking advantage of us-- who would want to stay? The benefit is not outweighing the cost.

But Rowan, he's doing well. I sat on him today and walked for 40 minutes. He feels different with his very-expensive-shoes, I just hope it's a good different. Tomorrow I will start calling hauling companies because we're going home. (!!!)


And I wouldn't say that AVH is necessarily rescuing me but, we're going to Europe!

the N word.

There's certainly one thing about listening to your heart, you must be prepared to receive the result. This evening my "second veterinary opinion" discovered that Rowan has "navicular bone degeneration." The digital x-rays show that he has two cyst-like lesions in the center of the bone right near the impar ligament. The good news is that I finally know what the problem is, the bad news is that navicular isn't something that will ever go away. The good news is that I can start working on treating it, the bad news is that treatment is expensive and a life-long process.

This news has been a tough. I had to bite my tongue to keep from crying when the vet told me the news. Rowan is my baby, he's like my child. Our journey South only solidified how much of a friend he is to me. I have to stop myself from thinking that if I had never come here he would have never ended up like this, but it was going to happen sooner or later. I guess sooner is better than later.

In the meantime, I will start treatment tomorrow with a pair of supportive front shoes. In terms of riding him, he should improve after having his feet done but I will still get both of his coffin joints injected with cortisone and hyaluronic acid to reduce any inflammation.

I'm extremely overwhelmed and beside myself with what I am supposed to do now. The money will sort itself out later, what's most important is getting Rowan to a point where he's comfortable and able to be put back to work (this past month he has really hated existing without a job). And myself? To not feel like I don't know my horse just because I've found this out-- and to try not to worry about it so much. As the P's would say "it's far away from his heart."

Sometimes I wish I weren't here feeling so alone and so far from home.

What does it mean to: (be here.)

Jealousy. I lack this feeling here. Although I hesitate, maybe a hint of it here and there. But to be jealous, of this? No. I do not envy these people, their horses, their lives. What do they do? I don't envy them because I don't want this to be my career, it's not fulfilling enough. Or maybe it's not that, maybe it's just that I want to keep it special and doing it all of the time would make it not-so-special.

And following my heart. Not just with humans but with horses too. Rowan is still injured. I don't trust the vet, we've been running in circles, we still don't know what's wrong. I've spent more money than I have. But I don't trust what she wants to do. I don't know much about veterinary medicine but my heart tells me that messing around with his joints is not the right solution. How can I make that judgment? Am I being logical-- getting a second opinion even though I can't afford it?

I don't think they're killing my Spirit. I think it's being challenged but I don't think it will be wrecked. Wreckage. Climbing out of it. I will be back to normal when I finally leave this place. It's not hopeless.