Like my material possessions, those of which I prefer to have neatly folded on respective shelves or in respective baskets, or my bed (most of the time) fluffed and made up each morning, I prefer (for the most part) that my life be in a state of coherent penciled-in balance. ....wait, don't we all?
That's why when things feel as though they're falling apart it appears as though a chain-reaction of negatives proceeds. It's so easy to get consumed in this.
So I had a moment with AVH. Or, well, not really with him but about him. What triggered it? Oh... I probably couldn't even tell you. I suspect an inadequate conversation or a conversation cut short. I mean, when you never see the person speaking with each other is kinda a big deal. Henceforth ensued something along the lines of a retaliation of sorts. A questioning of what kinds of demands do I place on a relationship with someone I (practically) never see. An examining of what I think I need and what I think I need to be offering. Or maybe just the general overall: what the fuck am I doing in this relationship? Whether it be fear or anger I proceeded to refrain from contact. I spent the several days dwelling on the negative side of the spectrum. And sometimes I'm so good at being self-centered that it's frightening (at least per ideal society's definition). But, so what? I'm allowed to be. But I'm not so sure that not talking is a very good plan. We sifted through some stuff last night but I still feel like there's a big, fat pink elephant in the room (and I know it's because 6 months is too long, and 2 months is too long, and 4 weeks is too...). So I guess in a way of sorts there is still a brick wall there.
And then there was French. I'm only going to say a couple things about French.
1) If French is the reason why I don't graduate this semester someone is going to experience a horrific amount of wrath from me (and it is likely that it may be myself...)
2) If French is the reason why I don't get into graduate school I will be beyond fucking pissed.
3) If the GRE tests me on French I'm not going to graduate school.
4) The effort I am going to have to put forth for French class will be equal to the combination of work for my three other courses. Oy.
5) Have I ever mentioned that this is a love-hate relationship?
So about that pink bow? Yah, not gonna happen.
30 January 2007
28 January 2007
051606
I feel a little drunk, I already know that I won't start my paper until tomorrow. Stones. We're going to Stones because it's Tuesday night. We meander there and I have absolutely no money, didn't bring any with me. We mill around, chat a bit. JC and I sit at the bar and chat, he buys us a shot. I'm half distracted. Blue Eyes buys me a double mixer. Oy. I'm getting trashed without having any money. Blue Eyes and I challenge each other to a game of pool, I'm close to winning. The bar has filtered out, I realize that there are only three of us left from the group. We're talking about hair. (??) Niz is leaving. I steal his coat and put it on, he makes me give it back before we go outside. (Why is he waiting for me?) Why doesn't he grab my arm and demand that it's time to go, that girls can't walk home alone. But I turn and see him waiting at the top of the stairs, I need to leave. We walk out on to the sidewalk, it has been raining. The street is pretty empty, I stop looking at the time, too often time doesn't matter anymore. I feel odd, it's raining, I'm in my sandals and the bottoms of my jeans are getting wet, if I weren't drunk I would care very much. I have every intention of going home, I already know that I don't want to try anything, I don't have that feeling. I pause at the corner, he beckons me to come with him, "I don't have any keys" and "how am I supposed to help you then?" I complain that it's pointless for me to go with you, you walk ahead and I pause at the corner. I lean against the building and see you walking back, you see me and we laugh. I catch up. It's raining now. We go inside and I realize how wet I am. I hang my coat up and wander into the living room. Mama R makes me tea and then I'm sitting on the wooden chair eating peanut M&Ms. Niz complains that we're watching surfing on TV but we're all too drunk to really do anything about it. I want to learn how to surf. (I bet I'd be good at it.) They fall asleep on the couches while I fall asleep on the wooden chair. I'm jostled awake when Mama R gets up to go to her own bed, oh oh dear I should go home... she tells me to stay, I can stay in her bed, but I'm sick of sleeping with other people, it's been almost two weeks since I've had a bed to myself. I'm tired. Too much alcohol. She tells me to pick an empty bed, can I have his? Sure, they're sleeping on the couch. She gives me pants and I strip out of my wet jeans, leaving them in a pile on her floor. There's a pile of climbing clips in the way of the door, I push them out of the way, flick on the light. I push clothes off the bed. I almost immediately fall into a most glorious sleep. The next thing I know is that I'm woken up by the light being turned on and Blue Eyes is coming in. What the fuck is going on? I'm half drunk, half asleep. I roll over, the light goes out and he's suddenly in bed with me. I'm facing the wall curled into a ball (my normal post-drunkenness position). He wraps his arms around me and I am awake. (I've been in a daze for 3 days now, I'm existing on autopilot, separated from feeling, separated from thought.) My heart starts to beat faster, he's taking my pants off and I don't stop him. I know I'm supposed to take his off but I hesitate to do so. I imagine they're black. We're tangled in sheets, legs, arms, bodies pressing against each other. He doesn't kiss very much and I understand why because I've done the same thing, for some reason it makes actions ok, once someone told me that's what prostitutes do. I know what's supposed to happen, I'm supposed to offer myself to you. You move me around and I let you, I think of SFB1 as you try to shove my legs open, I let it go on too long, mental arguments, I bite my tongue several times, I have to say something. "I can't do this," "I won't do this with you." You're confused, does this ever happen to someone like you? You flop down next to me, "why me?" I say, and you say, "well, why me?" I don't understand but smile and laugh, we're a lot alike, I understand what you're saying, or at least I seem to know what you're implying.
It's happening. It has happened. I suspect that I fell into a light sleep, still pressed against this boy with the blue eyes. I can hear the rain outside, the wind. It's perfect.
As I walk home a homeless man with his shopping cart stops me on the street, "it's nice to be able to stand up in the morning."
Indeed it is.
It's happening. It has happened. I suspect that I fell into a light sleep, still pressed against this boy with the blue eyes. I can hear the rain outside, the wind. It's perfect.
As I walk home a homeless man with his shopping cart stops me on the street, "it's nice to be able to stand up in the morning."
Indeed it is.
27 January 2007
And yet.
1. It is January 27 and I still do not have an ice scraper in my car.
2. 'The History of Love' made me cry.
3. On Friday LC taught me that my above usage of the ' ' is incorrect.
4. He also thinks I'm cool because I like to use "-" in my writing.
5. I think I'm addicted to coffee.
6. Today I was not motivated.
7. Last night I slept for almost 12 hours.
8. I could drink a fruit smoothie every day of my life.
9. B is awesome.
10. I am grumpy with AVH.
11. Tonight I miss those blue eyes.
12. It's that time of the year for SFB1. (almost 4 years? oy.)
2. 'The History of Love' made me cry.
3. On Friday LC taught me that my above usage of the ' ' is incorrect.
4. He also thinks I'm cool because I like to use "-" in my writing.
5. I think I'm addicted to coffee.
6. Today I was not motivated.
7. Last night I slept for almost 12 hours.
8. I could drink a fruit smoothie every day of my life.
9. B is awesome.
10. I am grumpy with AVH.
11. Tonight I miss those blue eyes.
12. It's that time of the year for SFB1. (almost 4 years? oy.)
25 January 2007
"where'd you go?"
(I miss you so. Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone.)
Sometimes I think I'm stupid for doing this.
Sometimes I think I'm stupid for doing this.
I'm just looking for self realization.
I don't think I quite understood that phrase a mere four years ago. Age is deceptive.
Somehow a combination of things left me teetering on an antique chair (that adopted residence in my room whilst I was in SA) reaching into the depths of my closet to find that manila envelope. You know, the one I've probably written about before.
Each time I pull it out (which, mind you, is not often at all) a wave of insistent realization comes over me. But the odd thing is that none of it was actually real. I flipped through newspaper clippings, photos, venue ads, 18+ after party invites, letters, saved conversations, a bracelet, torn journal entries. And I wonder to myself.... SFB1, where are you now? Remember when you were going to go to law school? (but you fucked that one up.) Remember when you apologized to me? (but you fucked that one up too.)
I still have difficulty comprehending the way that something that felt so real does not exist as something that was a reality in my memory. (does that make any sense?)
So SFB1, I guess the point is that I still sometimes wonder where you are and what you're up to.
And also, sometimes, I really want to rub it in your face how much you fucked up.
Somehow a combination of things left me teetering on an antique chair (that adopted residence in my room whilst I was in SA) reaching into the depths of my closet to find that manila envelope. You know, the one I've probably written about before.
Each time I pull it out (which, mind you, is not often at all) a wave of insistent realization comes over me. But the odd thing is that none of it was actually real. I flipped through newspaper clippings, photos, venue ads, 18+ after party invites, letters, saved conversations, a bracelet, torn journal entries. And I wonder to myself.... SFB1, where are you now? Remember when you were going to go to law school? (but you fucked that one up.) Remember when you apologized to me? (but you fucked that one up too.)
I still have difficulty comprehending the way that something that felt so real does not exist as something that was a reality in my memory. (does that make any sense?)
So SFB1, I guess the point is that I still sometimes wonder where you are and what you're up to.
And also, sometimes, I really want to rub it in your face how much you fucked up.
23 January 2007
Some days I think the world conspires against me.
This would be one of those days.
There's nothing more frustrating than having the feeling of accomplishment and then, oops just kidding, realizing that it was simply just false security. Let me explain.
My entire educational career I have struggled with French. It has always been that love-hate relationship... which is fine, I understand and accept it in that way. I vaguely remember some odd 5 years ago rejoicing in the fact that I would never have to take French again upon high school graduation. I imagine I found some enjoyment in throwing away worksheets, assignments, and the likes. Then, imagine my disappointment when AP suddenly told me that I had to take 3 semesters of French if I wanted to graduate. Shit fuck. School gives you a lot of "just kiddings".
"Your essay is due on Wednesday." (2 days later, just kidding) "Your essay is due on Monday."
"You have fulfilled your distribution." (3 hours later, just kidding) "You're missing a natty sci credit."
"You don't have to take any math classes ever again." (several days later, just kidding) "You need to take Stats 350."
"Your books aren't that expensive." (4 days later, just kidding) "You think $103 isn't expensive...for one book?"
It goes something like that.
So imagine my feeling of accomplishment when three weeks into the semester I sat down and spent an entire evening doing mes devoirs de Français. It was spectacular. I was even thinking in French. So imagine my feeling of disappointment when in class she asked us to open to page 29 of our polycopiés. (Page 29?! I didn't see a page 29 assignment on the homework sheet...) Imagine my feeling of ohshitfuckshit when I found the page (a page full of questions in response to a reading) completely empty. Imagine my feeling of Ican'tbelievethis as she (mind you, she already intimidates me) marched around the room looking to see if everyone had completed the assignment. Tears swelled in my eyes. She's going to nail me for this. She nailed me for it. And so I proceeded to want to cry because it was truly an honest mistake, and the one time it happens I'm screwed over for it.
So the world is conspiring against me and it's cold and I don't want to be here and I don't know where I'll be in four months and I'm trying not to worry and be scared even though it's in my nature to (sometimes) be so.
There's nothing more frustrating than having the feeling of accomplishment and then, oops just kidding, realizing that it was simply just false security. Let me explain.
My entire educational career I have struggled with French. It has always been that love-hate relationship... which is fine, I understand and accept it in that way. I vaguely remember some odd 5 years ago rejoicing in the fact that I would never have to take French again upon high school graduation. I imagine I found some enjoyment in throwing away worksheets, assignments, and the likes. Then, imagine my disappointment when AP suddenly told me that I had to take 3 semesters of French if I wanted to graduate. Shit fuck. School gives you a lot of "just kiddings".
"Your essay is due on Wednesday." (2 days later, just kidding) "Your essay is due on Monday."
"You have fulfilled your distribution." (3 hours later, just kidding) "You're missing a natty sci credit."
"You don't have to take any math classes ever again." (several days later, just kidding) "You need to take Stats 350."
"Your books aren't that expensive." (4 days later, just kidding) "You think $103 isn't expensive...for one book?"
It goes something like that.
So imagine my feeling of accomplishment when three weeks into the semester I sat down and spent an entire evening doing mes devoirs de Français. It was spectacular. I was even thinking in French. So imagine my feeling of disappointment when in class she asked us to open to page 29 of our polycopiés. (Page 29?! I didn't see a page 29 assignment on the homework sheet...) Imagine my feeling of ohshitfuckshit when I found the page (a page full of questions in response to a reading) completely empty. Imagine my feeling of Ican'tbelievethis as she (mind you, she already intimidates me) marched around the room looking to see if everyone had completed the assignment. Tears swelled in my eyes. She's going to nail me for this. She nailed me for it. And so I proceeded to want to cry because it was truly an honest mistake, and the one time it happens I'm screwed over for it.
So the world is conspiring against me and it's cold and I don't want to be here and I don't know where I'll be in four months and I'm trying not to worry and be scared even though it's in my nature to (sometimes) be so.
22 January 2007
The Tinies.
Several years ago I confiscated this book ("The Gashlycrumb Tinies", Edward Gorey) from my mum, namely because I had an infatuation with the drawings. It's a small book, the size of a compact disc and the drawings are somewhat parallel to etchings of Renoir and let's face it, Renoir's etchings are cute (even if they are mostly of homeless people). Last night my mum asked me if I had the book because she needs it for an art project, I retrieved it from my bookshelf.
We stood in the kitchen pouring over the pages.
mum: I don't understand, my students think it's disturbing.
me: well, it is kinda alarming.
mum: yeah but it's so cute!
Someday, if I ever have kids, I'm going to teach them the alphabet with this book.
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe
L is for Lea who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
I hope you have an uplifting day.
19 January 2007
Babysitter fantasies.
As an individual I've never been very riske. I have been described as down-to-earth, modest, and the-girl-you-take-home-to-the-parents.
So I had (or, maybe more like I have been having) this situation with Mr. Employer. Apparently said employer seems to get off on sending me somewhat suggestive text messages. Like, creepy. Ok so it's not cool to make excuses for the situation. I prefer to maintain a strictly business-like relationship, um duh. (I don't quite get off on thinking about a 40-something Dad hitting on me.) The situation is a toughie though. I've known said employer for quite some time now and have not felt any threat before. But now I wonder just how appropriate this situation is. Where does one draw the line at what's acceptable and what is intrusive?
This is like the theme for some sick porno or something. Bleh, gross.
So I had (or, maybe more like I have been having) this situation with Mr. Employer. Apparently said employer seems to get off on sending me somewhat suggestive text messages. Like, creepy. Ok so it's not cool to make excuses for the situation. I prefer to maintain a strictly business-like relationship, um duh. (I don't quite get off on thinking about a 40-something Dad hitting on me.) The situation is a toughie though. I've known said employer for quite some time now and have not felt any threat before. But now I wonder just how appropriate this situation is. Where does one draw the line at what's acceptable and what is intrusive?
This is like the theme for some sick porno or something. Bleh, gross.
18 January 2007
2006; oh what a year!
Oh the places I go! [a year of traveling.]
The year began with a rendez-vous in France. Champagne and (fake) fireworks ensued. Robberies at la tour Eiffel and that general sense of American paranoia. It was Paris, Toulouse, a little bit of Spain, and a grand (sad) finale in Normandy.
February was capturing a dream. A flight to London and a flight to Cape Town. A feeling of "lost-ness" proceeds as the world becomes bigger (or, well, smaller).
Namibia, Zimbabwe, Botswana. Trying to figure out just what "Africa" is.
August was a painful return home.
December brought an unexpected but delightfully enjoyable return to Mexico and the realization of what a few years can do to a place.
Oh the things I do! [the smart ones and the stupid ones.]
Diligent planning and preparation made the transition to South Africa smooth and less frightening than I had originally imagined. Following ones dreams isn't always as easy as one would think. Going to SA was one of the most brilliant things I've done. The idea in itself maintains a surreal position in my head.
Giving up riding for the first time in my life was difficult but rewarding. Sailing, rock climbing, hiking, camping, climbing mountains... things I would have never done in my horse-consumed life.
I became stupid when it came to school. I was unhappy with myself for skipping classes, for lacking that general sense of enthusiasm I always had for learning. I drank too much, I smoked too much, I ate too much. I fucked with relationships. I walked home by myself at 3am one too many times.
Back home, the 8:30am class might not have been the brightest idea but it was a smart one, hot poetry professor ended up teaching it. 498 was stressful but educational. And it ended just as quickly as it began.
Oh the people I meet! [and the adventures we have.]
South Africa brought new friends and lost friendships. Distance seems to weed them out. We braved the postal system and discovered skype.
Germans, Norwegians, Americans, Canadians, South Africans. I could never quite grasp the sense of inclusion-like-family in that country but it was pretty fuckin' awesome. It was the first time in a very long time that I actually felt like I had my own group and that's quite a special feeling to have.
While some bonds were severed cross-continentally others were built (and then broken again). I met so many new people during 2006 it was incredible.
Oh the horses I love! [once a passion, always a passion.]
After spending my first winter without a horse and then after being away from riding for the longest period of my life (6 months) I took the plunge. Frustrated with riding other people's horses with other people's rules, with the encouragement of my mum and trainer I fulfilled another life long dream: I bought my very first horse.
And just as god wouldn't give you anything you can't handle, and just like when it rains it pours I found myself buying my second horse (pony) a mere 5 weeks later.
I needn't regret those decisions, it's hard to go wrong with investing in things you love.
Oh boys. [oh boy, oh boy.]
Following the track record of 2005 I wasn't too surprised with how the year started. One would have thought that I would have learned to listen to myself by '06, but 'tis not the case.
I didn't place full blame for April but I didn't accept full responsibility either. I realized by then that I had become very good at convincing myself of what I wanted to believe. I prefer(ed) not to think/talk about it, that was one I could set aside and leave there.
I found myself in a mixed up game of flirtation without communication. It was a heart-racing, eyes-piercing, secretive (or well, I guess not so much anymore), many-a-early-mornings of sneaking out, sneaking in, or just a lot of general sneaking around. It was a lips sealed, eyes concealed, I don't understand you deal. It was no questions asked no questions answered. It was exotic and dreamy and completely the last chapter of that book.
I met AVH. Between exams, and hikes, and ticks. The logical voice in my head adamantly told me 'no, no, no' but as things go one thing lead to another and I found myself curled next to him at the foot of Table Mountain. It was bittersweet, I cried a lot. "Circumstance and situation" continually ran through my head. Stealing the bed, clean laundry, dark blue (dark blue), holding hands, very surreal. And waiting, lots of waiting. But despite my self-distrust, the distance, and his uncanny ability to call me out on my ambiguities in language I'm so very (very) happy. Those butterflies haven't gone away. (that's a good thing, I think.)
Oh AP! [go away, stay forever.]
UCT killed my work ethic. Despite being one of the most diligent internationals I lowered my standards and took the trip as the vacation that it was. Consequently, it was one of my most educational semesters. Funny how that works out.
Returning to the blackhole and AP here was merely just a bitchslap in the face. 5 classes, 16 credits, 2 horses later I learned what I'm really capable of. The ruined work ethic, the early mornings, the general sense of 'I should be done already' was overwhelming. Yet, whenever I look back on AP I always realize how much I enjoyed it, even if I didn't realize it at the time. Plus, I discovered Machiavelli, and that I like to read his books for fun.
In starting I have to end. That was a scary thought (and still is one).
Oh I got old! [another turn around the sun.]
Past the point of no return, no privilege of voting or drinking or well, pretty much anything besides maybe renting a car. The year saw the most partying I've done in my life and the most non-partying I've done in my life. It saw bedtimes of 5am and those of 9pm.
My body decided that it would hate on me. Besides gaining my freshman 15 a mere five years too late I experienced the stomach illness (worms?) of death. Months of that general feeling of sickness proceeded well into October and November.
Oh there's plenty more. [and then some.]
Dark Blue- Jack's Mannequin
Lightening Crashes- Live
I Go Back- Kenny Chesney
Angels- Robbie Williams
Africa- Toto
The Ascent of Stan- Ben Folds
a lot of dreams came true in 2006.
The year began with a rendez-vous in France. Champagne and (fake) fireworks ensued. Robberies at la tour Eiffel and that general sense of American paranoia. It was Paris, Toulouse, a little bit of Spain, and a grand (sad) finale in Normandy.
February was capturing a dream. A flight to London and a flight to Cape Town. A feeling of "lost-ness" proceeds as the world becomes bigger (or, well, smaller).
Namibia, Zimbabwe, Botswana. Trying to figure out just what "Africa" is.
August was a painful return home.
December brought an unexpected but delightfully enjoyable return to Mexico and the realization of what a few years can do to a place.
Oh the things I do! [the smart ones and the stupid ones.]
Diligent planning and preparation made the transition to South Africa smooth and less frightening than I had originally imagined. Following ones dreams isn't always as easy as one would think. Going to SA was one of the most brilliant things I've done. The idea in itself maintains a surreal position in my head.
Giving up riding for the first time in my life was difficult but rewarding. Sailing, rock climbing, hiking, camping, climbing mountains... things I would have never done in my horse-consumed life.
I became stupid when it came to school. I was unhappy with myself for skipping classes, for lacking that general sense of enthusiasm I always had for learning. I drank too much, I smoked too much, I ate too much. I fucked with relationships. I walked home by myself at 3am one too many times.
Back home, the 8:30am class might not have been the brightest idea but it was a smart one, hot poetry professor ended up teaching it. 498 was stressful but educational. And it ended just as quickly as it began.
Oh the people I meet! [and the adventures we have.]
South Africa brought new friends and lost friendships. Distance seems to weed them out. We braved the postal system and discovered skype.
Germans, Norwegians, Americans, Canadians, South Africans. I could never quite grasp the sense of inclusion-like-family in that country but it was pretty fuckin' awesome. It was the first time in a very long time that I actually felt like I had my own group and that's quite a special feeling to have.
While some bonds were severed cross-continentally others were built (and then broken again). I met so many new people during 2006 it was incredible.
Oh the horses I love! [once a passion, always a passion.]
After spending my first winter without a horse and then after being away from riding for the longest period of my life (6 months) I took the plunge. Frustrated with riding other people's horses with other people's rules, with the encouragement of my mum and trainer I fulfilled another life long dream: I bought my very first horse.
And just as god wouldn't give you anything you can't handle, and just like when it rains it pours I found myself buying my second horse (pony) a mere 5 weeks later.
I needn't regret those decisions, it's hard to go wrong with investing in things you love.
Oh boys. [oh boy, oh boy.]
Following the track record of 2005 I wasn't too surprised with how the year started. One would have thought that I would have learned to listen to myself by '06, but 'tis not the case.
I didn't place full blame for April but I didn't accept full responsibility either. I realized by then that I had become very good at convincing myself of what I wanted to believe. I prefer(ed) not to think/talk about it, that was one I could set aside and leave there.
I found myself in a mixed up game of flirtation without communication. It was a heart-racing, eyes-piercing, secretive (or well, I guess not so much anymore), many-a-early-mornings of sneaking out, sneaking in, or just a lot of general sneaking around. It was a lips sealed, eyes concealed, I don't understand you deal. It was no questions asked no questions answered. It was exotic and dreamy and completely the last chapter of that book.
I met AVH. Between exams, and hikes, and ticks. The logical voice in my head adamantly told me 'no, no, no' but as things go one thing lead to another and I found myself curled next to him at the foot of Table Mountain. It was bittersweet, I cried a lot. "Circumstance and situation" continually ran through my head. Stealing the bed, clean laundry, dark blue (dark blue), holding hands, very surreal. And waiting, lots of waiting. But despite my self-distrust, the distance, and his uncanny ability to call me out on my ambiguities in language I'm so very (very) happy. Those butterflies haven't gone away. (that's a good thing, I think.)
Oh AP! [go away, stay forever.]
UCT killed my work ethic. Despite being one of the most diligent internationals I lowered my standards and took the trip as the vacation that it was. Consequently, it was one of my most educational semesters. Funny how that works out.
Returning to the blackhole and AP here was merely just a bitchslap in the face. 5 classes, 16 credits, 2 horses later I learned what I'm really capable of. The ruined work ethic, the early mornings, the general sense of 'I should be done already' was overwhelming. Yet, whenever I look back on AP I always realize how much I enjoyed it, even if I didn't realize it at the time. Plus, I discovered Machiavelli, and that I like to read his books for fun.
In starting I have to end. That was a scary thought (and still is one).
Oh I got old! [another turn around the sun.]
Past the point of no return, no privilege of voting or drinking or well, pretty much anything besides maybe renting a car. The year saw the most partying I've done in my life and the most non-partying I've done in my life. It saw bedtimes of 5am and those of 9pm.
My body decided that it would hate on me. Besides gaining my freshman 15 a mere five years too late I experienced the stomach illness (worms?) of death. Months of that general feeling of sickness proceeded well into October and November.
Oh there's plenty more. [and then some.]
Dark Blue- Jack's Mannequin
Lightening Crashes- Live
I Go Back- Kenny Chesney
Angels- Robbie Williams
Africa- Toto
The Ascent of Stan- Ben Folds
a lot of dreams came true in 2006.
11 January 2007
Some stuff the U has taught me.
Stuff like I don't have to do the reading but I can still sound intelligent enough to write something about it. Sometimes I feel ashamed for taking these actions but sometimes I just have to sleep. I really am trying though.
I already wrote a paper about how AP has made my writing worse. "Five years in, one semester to go, thousands of dollars later and my writing just plain sucks." There was certainly a point in my academic career where I would have never even thought of handing a paper in with something like that written in it. I can't decide if it's really that I just don't care or if it's rather that I'm bitter because I think I should have actually learned something educational. Whatever that's supposed to mean.
I intend to write something compelling about 2006 sometime before 2008.
I already wrote a paper about how AP has made my writing worse. "Five years in, one semester to go, thousands of dollars later and my writing just plain sucks." There was certainly a point in my academic career where I would have never even thought of handing a paper in with something like that written in it. I can't decide if it's really that I just don't care or if it's rather that I'm bitter because I think I should have actually learned something educational. Whatever that's supposed to mean.
I intend to write something compelling about 2006 sometime before 2008.
01 January 2007
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