Chin up, chest out, legs closed.

It's immensely easier to keep my chin up and chest out now that I'm not at the PooPoo's. Being away from there, ehh perhaps not so easy to keep the legs closed. But thank.god.I'm.not.there.

The Laud is an interesting place. Hectic and forever coming and going, but it has grown on me, just a bit; I don't have such negative connotations with it anymore. My course went well, it definitely wasn't intellectually challenging-- but hey, I learned how to survive at sea and fight fires. That's exciting. Quite the industry, feeling quite displaced in that respect.

AVH is back. I've spent four days with him and it feels like everything is back to normal. It's absolutely wonderful to have my "buddy" back. I'm still sporadically struggling with unease about the situation, but as the days (seem to) fly by and we have more opportunities to talk and "get to know each other again" the unease has dwindled. Trying to listen to my heart buried somewhere in there.

Tomorrow we begin the great trek to the land of snow and cold. Burr. A few stops along the way, but I am absolutely thrilled about seeing the Roni pony again...!

So, I can be found on the road.

So small.

Feeling displaced is something that I don't think I'll ever get acquainted with; it's always tough feeling as though you don't have a space of your own.

But I've found myself, here. Somewhere in the Laud, confused by the numbered streets, lost already. Leaving the turnpike, seeing the city. Reality. Civilization. I think I had been in isolation too long. Memories of arriving in a frenzy, leaving in one. What the fuck am I doing here? That's what I keep asking myself in a room of white walls. Is this really what I want to be doing? I can always turn back, I'm considering that to be a viable option. What the hell, just go to Japan. Who knows really. End up anywhere.

I'm definitely apprehensive, seeing AVH again? Feeling a bit tired and worn, am I really not that into it? Or has all of the emotional just been a turn off? I must be tired of trying. I'll blame it on the Springs.

I guess we're gonna find out...

the next step.

Rowan is on his way home. Walked on the trailer like a pro and never looked back. He has a nice little box stall in the back with his waterbucket and some hay. And a big trailer all to himself. Yep. That huge semi to himself. Because quite frankly I'm the only crazy person who would leave Florida in February. The haulers didn't quite understand this, I guess "this" situation was one of those "you had to be there" to understand why I'm leaving.

I cried after he left. I'm definitely all alone now. When I had him for sale and when people were very interested in him I thought about what it would be like to put him on a trailer and never see him again. I thought about that for a while and realized that it would just be too painful to live without him. And now, after being here, I don't think that I can live without him. For the past 5 months that horse has been my life.

Now here I am. Alone again. Wondering where I'll end up tomorrow, what I'll occupy myself with. Sunny days in Florida don't really make for happy attitudes, at least not at this place.

Tonight is my last night here. It's sad but it's okay because I don't belong here without my pony.

Two days.

The ideal time to slave away in behalf of greater freedom.

I'm not trying to start a revolution, I'm just trying to bring the outside world in. It doesn't have to be like this, it shouldn't be like this. There must be something wrong when we don't even want to ride our own horses. Rowan, bless his heart, has been practically attached to my hip-- he must know that we will be departing each other (for a short time) soon. 3 weeks without him, a difficult thing to do after he's all that I've had for so many months.

Tomorrow we have a "disciplinary meeting." Give me a fucking break, since when did I get new parents? Are we 16 years old again, did we go out past curfew? So childish, so ridiculous.

I don't have much to say anymore, no emotions really, just plenty of built-up anger. 2 more days, please, no more delays. I can't do this. I can't even find the motivation to put a saddle on my horse. I can't write any more checks for money that I don't have in my account.

But I'm stuck. I'm stuck here in my head. I'm stuck in my last two days of work.
I'm stuck in beautyless days.

I should have started running a long, long time ago.

I thought that I would write an eloquent letter, explaining myself (because they would never listen), introducing myself, defending myself. Maybe I have finally learned how to keep my mouth shut. Or maybe I've just given up on caring. No letters, no nice words.

Accusations, distrust, they're out to get me. What wrong have I intentionally done? Leaving? Is that considered wrong? In their world it is. In their world I should be begging to fold their underwear. Lunge my horse. Put the saddle on. No thanks. Somewhere along the line did you forget that I'm human too?

Stronger? I'm not stronger. I just know how to hide my weaknesses better. I've got them figured out. They tear down confidence, self-assurance, they make us shut up. Let's go out back to the whipping post. People are disposable to them. The journey to the top is alone (forget about the horse, it's just a vessel). No words for them, from me. I don't want to leave my words with people who won't read them. Or who will read them, just won't listen to them. Always on the defense.

Nothing is ever good enough. So, I'm not good enough because I'm not perfect, nor is my horse. Because, I'm tired. I'm working 7 days a week, 13 hour days. I'm burned. I'm exhausted. I'm over it. I'm ready to be happy again. After this, I can't continue living with the thought that all people are inherently good. Cynical. Naive. Ah, depressing.

So we're outta here. Ciao. Au Revoir. Fuck you. They don't deserve such good people. Ashamed to mention their name, to be associated with it. Can't I erase these 5 months?

And from here? Where am I running to? Confusion. What am I doing? Going back to him. The lack of caring has distilled into all facets of life. That's what happens when you feel terrible about yourself. Don't even want to ride my horse anymore. Acceptance by intimidation. Take a look at yourselves. And him? Should he make it up to me? Should I listen to my girlfriends? Should I get laid? On random? Jab in the side. Petty. Stupid.

3 more days.
No more afterglow.
No thanks.
No words.