For being antisocial and for doing less than well on AP work.
The week from hell I'm-going-to-shoot-myself-in-the-face or perhaps the self-inflicted-pain week. It's like when buddy razor says that 'it's down the road not across the street'. I'm thinking of it in those terms. But as with all things, time keeps us movin'.
Let's sum it up.
The Week of Midterms.
The lack of not studying and falling asleep attempting to write an essay (but thankfully waking up at 6:30am to finish it). These items are not the best quality of my AP work. Actually, I'm really just trying to avoid the thought of what kind of grades I will receive. A potential ouch.
The Week of the Equine.
Said equine is on its path to becoming the love of my little life. His work under saddle is terribly horrific and some gigjingymanotgood on his right hind is somewhat concerning, but he has already established that I am his woman and therefore he must come and answer when called. Despite the fact that I am gigantic on him and continually impressed by the smallness of his legs and feet, we've taken to each other like two fish out of the water.
The Week of Equine verses Man.
I should have found myself an equine like this a long time ago. I was never intended to be in relationships with the male species. I'm daydreaming about all the trouble I would have stayed out of if I had been solely involved with equines. Tant pis.
The Week of Nice Gifts.
Like the all-expense-paid trip I get to Mexico in December. The fam is like...what?! Yeah, I'm like 'what?!' too.
The Week of the Loss of a Good Friend.
Maybe I'm just selfish. I mean, I think all of humanity has elements of selfishness. I would like to relate it to my pondering of how to create a political system that actually functions properly. I concluded that if I were to find a way to create some sort of system I would be filthy rich. But then I realized that it's not possible because people will always be greedy and the likes. Ok, this is not self-justification for my actions. Honestly. I've somewhat exhausted this topic in my head. In the wise words of my mother: 'when you make a mistake, admit it, fix it, and move on. Don't waste a lot of time, energy, money, and/or other resources trying to defend a mistake or bad decision.' So that's the way it goes.
The Week I Answered a Question Right in IR (aka Stats class).
This deserves mention because my futile attempts to contribute have been ruthlessly embarrassing. This week the tides turned, maybe it was the crapiness of the week, or my lack of fear for doing anything wrong (since really, what did it matter if the week got any worse?), or maybe because I'm just learning how to milk the system, either way I answered more than three questions. Huzzah.
The Week of the Sea.
Seriously, 5 weeks is a long fucking time. But on the contrary, I'm too obsessed with the equine to really care a whole ton. It's the way things in this world conspire.
The Week of Poverty.
I'm currently accepting monetary donations of any size. Seriously, whos idea was it to purchase said equine?
I suppose in retrospect the week wasn't so bad. I mean, I got a horse and that's something that has been on the life experience list since before the list even started. Well, I guess it's good to mix the good with the bad. Maybe I'll get bucked off tomorrow.
Meanwhile, I'm practicing my culinary skills by making brownies tonight. My Friday nights are seriously out of control. ('mom, why won't the middle of my brownies cook?!')
Oh life.
27 October 2006
24 October 2006
Am I....dreaming?
I am the proud owner of my very own American Quarter Horse / Tennessee Walking Horse 5 year old gelding.
I OWN A HORSE!!!!!
eeee!!!!!!!!
(shit fuck crap, I have a midterm tomorrow.)
I OWN A HORSE!!!!!
eeee!!!!!!!!
(shit fuck crap, I have a midterm tomorrow.)
21 October 2006
Track 13.
I told myself to assume that when you were singing this song that you weren't actually singing it to me as much as just simply singing it in general. Nonetheless it has assumed its meaning in my head; so that when I'm driving home and it comes on I fall into silence.
Despite the fact that this has been looming I've tried to place it behind Rowan and IR and, yes, even AP. These self preservation techniques are quite intriguing.
But things tend to fall into place. J.Mar called and apologetically asked me to delay my arrival to her house. And in the way things conspire I was left with just enough time to ring during the farewell gathering. So that's how life works sometimes.
I spent the whole evening in what could be considered the stance of agitation, trying to come up with words to write, tapping at the keyboard. You were on my mind. (it's what I had been trying to avoid the last few days.)
On the drive home I decided it's these mechanisms that make the intolerable tolerable. The silly things like keeping the letters in my desk drawer (rather than in the closet with everything else) or keeping my cell phone inbox full of sms' (why does it only hold 50?), and keeping every voice mail since August (...but don't worry, I don't listen to them very often, it's just nice to know that they're there and that I can listen to them if I desire).
I started to try to write in my black book again. I haven't picked it up since the RSA. It's weird to flip through it, I relate it to sorting through the laundry basket of ZA memories (that which I finally just shoved into my closet) something I don't want to do but something that I will eventually have to do.
New chapter. Indeed.
Despite the fact that this has been looming I've tried to place it behind Rowan and IR and, yes, even AP. These self preservation techniques are quite intriguing.
But things tend to fall into place. J.Mar called and apologetically asked me to delay my arrival to her house. And in the way things conspire I was left with just enough time to ring during the farewell gathering. So that's how life works sometimes.
I spent the whole evening in what could be considered the stance of agitation, trying to come up with words to write, tapping at the keyboard. You were on my mind. (it's what I had been trying to avoid the last few days.)
On the drive home I decided it's these mechanisms that make the intolerable tolerable. The silly things like keeping the letters in my desk drawer (rather than in the closet with everything else) or keeping my cell phone inbox full of sms' (why does it only hold 50?), and keeping every voice mail since August (...but don't worry, I don't listen to them very often, it's just nice to know that they're there and that I can listen to them if I desire).
I started to try to write in my black book again. I haven't picked it up since the RSA. It's weird to flip through it, I relate it to sorting through the laundry basket of ZA memories (that which I finally just shoved into my closet) something I don't want to do but something that I will eventually have to do.
New chapter. Indeed.
18 October 2006
Sever my legs, please.
Just above the knees. Both of them. I don't care if I won't be able to walk because honestly, I can't walk normally anyways. Approximately 4 (or is it 5 now?) weeks later, after the whole xray, MRI, poking and prodding experience I would expect to have some definitive results. I can't keep spending all this time waiting for them to figure out which drugs to give me, or which vitamins I should take, or which exercises are necessary for preventing throbbing pain. So as it comes down to it, typically in my style, I went for a run yesterday. I'm conscious of the fact that this has the potential to inflict lasting pain but there's always that chance that 'maybe this time it won't'. Plus, it was lovely out. I was proud of myself for not pushing it, which means not doing extra sprints at the end (which, by the way, seemed very appealing at the time). The initial soreness was to be expected but as I crawled out of bed this morning I had to pause to make sure that I wasn't actually 65 years old with an artificial hip and fake teeth. Because sometimes that's how I feel.
I felt like I was trekking to school. It was one of those days. I even almost crawled off my bike to walk it up the hill at Broadway. That says something.
Days like today are detrimental to my success in AP. But on the contrary, I think this is the first day of this sort that I've had all semester, so kudos to myself on that. I find the explanation for it in not living at Owen. It went something like this...
8:30am, Poetry.
Eyes bugging out of head, constant state of looking surprised. Shifting uncomfortably trying to adjust leg to a position without pain. Raise hand and contribute. (I like this class because I can always incorporate horses into the lecture and he thinks I'm brilliant because of it.)
10:00am, Political Thought.
Meander across campus in a slow limp. Opt for stairs rather than elevator to the third flood. Take position in back of class. Mm more comfortable chairs. Struggle to tune out the "umm's" during the lecture. Brief nap sounds lovely. Rest head on table and close eyes...mm...sleep. Crap, no, no sleep, lecture, focus. Meaningfully contribute to work group without doing the readings. (I must be on my way to becoming a typical AP student, all talk no show.)
11:30, OIP
Get lost in the union. Seriously. Have to return to the front entrance to find my way. The office is closed, damn.
11:50, Fish Bowl
Whhhhhyyyy are there never any computers open?! I'm sure people I know are staring at me...
12:00, French
One hour. I can stay awake and focused for this. Feel pleased that my efforts in studying the night before were helpful.
1:00, Cultures of Modernity
If Foucault hadn't been so, um, complex to start with, or if Foucault had been African, attention would have existed. Readjustments in the little desk, seriously my ass hurts by now. I know why they do this though, no comfortable chairs or we'll fall asleep. Eyes become crossed. Did I read this essay? I must have, I wrote all over it. I don't remember any of this. God, why won't AVH sms me? Shit, I'm out of RO water, should I refill from the drinking fountain? Noo, noo. Oh sms! Oh, it's Jin. God, his teacher is hitting on him again. Check watch. Seriously, 15 more minutes? Eternity!
2:40, OIP
Continued look of confusion. Give secretary my materials, hesitate, these could potentially be the explanatory variable for my extreme tiredness. I hope I didn't go to all the trouble for nothing.
2:50, leave campus.
I'm going to die. Is that popping sound my knee? Sleep. Do I really have to go home and simply just do more homework? Crap, exams next week.
At least I never fully fell asleep. Last year in Jane Austen I had days where I couldn't keep my eyes open. That was before I drank coffee. Not that I normally drink coffee, but still, it's nice to know there's an artificial element of awakeness at my disposal.
International Relations reading tonight? (did you catch my use of IR terms in this entry? I'm pleased with myself.) Seriously, you've got to be joking.
I felt like I was trekking to school. It was one of those days. I even almost crawled off my bike to walk it up the hill at Broadway. That says something.
Days like today are detrimental to my success in AP. But on the contrary, I think this is the first day of this sort that I've had all semester, so kudos to myself on that. I find the explanation for it in not living at Owen. It went something like this...
8:30am, Poetry.
Eyes bugging out of head, constant state of looking surprised. Shifting uncomfortably trying to adjust leg to a position without pain. Raise hand and contribute. (I like this class because I can always incorporate horses into the lecture and he thinks I'm brilliant because of it.)
10:00am, Political Thought.
Meander across campus in a slow limp. Opt for stairs rather than elevator to the third flood. Take position in back of class. Mm more comfortable chairs. Struggle to tune out the "umm's" during the lecture. Brief nap sounds lovely. Rest head on table and close eyes...mm...sleep. Crap, no, no sleep, lecture, focus. Meaningfully contribute to work group without doing the readings. (I must be on my way to becoming a typical AP student, all talk no show.)
11:30, OIP
Get lost in the union. Seriously. Have to return to the front entrance to find my way. The office is closed, damn.
11:50, Fish Bowl
Whhhhhyyyy are there never any computers open?! I'm sure people I know are staring at me...
12:00, French
One hour. I can stay awake and focused for this. Feel pleased that my efforts in studying the night before were helpful.
1:00, Cultures of Modernity
If Foucault hadn't been so, um, complex to start with, or if Foucault had been African, attention would have existed. Readjustments in the little desk, seriously my ass hurts by now. I know why they do this though, no comfortable chairs or we'll fall asleep. Eyes become crossed. Did I read this essay? I must have, I wrote all over it. I don't remember any of this. God, why won't AVH sms me? Shit, I'm out of RO water, should I refill from the drinking fountain? Noo, noo. Oh sms! Oh, it's Jin. God, his teacher is hitting on him again. Check watch. Seriously, 15 more minutes? Eternity!
2:40, OIP
Continued look of confusion. Give secretary my materials, hesitate, these could potentially be the explanatory variable for my extreme tiredness. I hope I didn't go to all the trouble for nothing.
2:50, leave campus.
I'm going to die. Is that popping sound my knee? Sleep. Do I really have to go home and simply just do more homework? Crap, exams next week.
At least I never fully fell asleep. Last year in Jane Austen I had days where I couldn't keep my eyes open. That was before I drank coffee. Not that I normally drink coffee, but still, it's nice to know there's an artificial element of awakeness at my disposal.
International Relations reading tonight? (did you catch my use of IR terms in this entry? I'm pleased with myself.) Seriously, you've got to be joking.
15 October 2006
'When I lived in my country....I always wanted to leave.'
(filled to the brim with all things fat and patriotic)
The cool thing about JR is that she's going through all the things that I'm going to have to deal with in approximately two years time. Although I'm not fully capable of understanding her position, or offering the advice she seeks, I do begin to grasp and understanding of the mental anguish (of sorts) I will be experiencing. And I will have her to look to for advice. I hope.
So she's left for Paris and it gets me thinking. I'm back at home, day-in-out meandering around this city that has new things to discover that I never discover (like Silvano's Truffle/Mushroom) until much later than I technically should. Stuff like the...makeout closet (?) in Angell.
Tonight I felt like I dug a hole on the phone with AVH. Sometimes I do this. And I only leave myself with an upset stomach and the overwhelming urge to just curl up in bed next to him. It's frustrating, yes; but amazing too.
I don't think I've built it up to more than it really is, because I really think that is the way it is. (and that's exciting.)
The cool thing about JR is that she's going through all the things that I'm going to have to deal with in approximately two years time. Although I'm not fully capable of understanding her position, or offering the advice she seeks, I do begin to grasp and understanding of the mental anguish (of sorts) I will be experiencing. And I will have her to look to for advice. I hope.
So she's left for Paris and it gets me thinking. I'm back at home, day-in-out meandering around this city that has new things to discover that I never discover (like Silvano's Truffle/Mushroom) until much later than I technically should. Stuff like the...makeout closet (?) in Angell.
Tonight I felt like I dug a hole on the phone with AVH. Sometimes I do this. And I only leave myself with an upset stomach and the overwhelming urge to just curl up in bed next to him. It's frustrating, yes; but amazing too.
I don't think I've built it up to more than it really is, because I really think that is the way it is. (and that's exciting.)
13 October 2006
Friday 13th?
There's nothing quite so comforting in preparing for your MRI scan when the doctor casually states, "did you know that today is Friday the 13th?" gee, why thanks. That's certainly the first thing I want to think as I slowly become conscious at 7am after a night of tossing and turning. Although, I think I may have seen the sunrise this morning, I'm not quite sure what those usually look like.
I applied for bail from AP today. Only a couple (thousand) grand. (this includes the cost of literature) Seriously.
I should briefly mention that it snowed. SNOWED. a;lckel;krawjnion;lakmda;oiem,dkce!!!!
Despite the fact that it was the 13th, I scheduled a roadworthy exam for Rowan. We're crossing our fingers that he passes so that I can bring a new love home. (I'm allowed to have two boyfriends, right? I mean, I need something to divert attention to while AVH becomes a pirate for 5 weeks. Or at least I hope he becomes a pirate. Like Johnny Depp in POC, except not gay. That would be tragic.)
It seems illogical that I'm going to miss AVH when he leaves for his 5 week, 7000 mile adventure. I think this is what sending someone off to war is like, except lots of water, not sand. Sometimes I think Chris Martin writes lyrics like this just for me, "you belong with me, not swallowed in the sea..."
I applied for bail from AP today. Only a couple (thousand) grand. (this includes the cost of literature) Seriously.
I should briefly mention that it snowed. SNOWED. a;lckel;krawjnion;lakmda;oiem,dkce!!!!
Despite the fact that it was the 13th, I scheduled a roadworthy exam for Rowan. We're crossing our fingers that he passes so that I can bring a new love home. (I'm allowed to have two boyfriends, right? I mean, I need something to divert attention to while AVH becomes a pirate for 5 weeks. Or at least I hope he becomes a pirate. Like Johnny Depp in POC, except not gay. That would be tragic.)
It seems illogical that I'm going to miss AVH when he leaves for his 5 week, 7000 mile adventure. I think this is what sending someone off to war is like, except lots of water, not sand. Sometimes I think Chris Martin writes lyrics like this just for me, "you belong with me, not swallowed in the sea..."
12 October 2006
J-isisms.
If there's one thing J can do it's always make me laugh.
Every-now-and-then when the planets align and the moon is in the correct place I get to spend some time on the phone with J and we have a shits and giggles time.
Sometimes I keep a written record of J-isisms. Here's a taste of them.
"I can just see you tilting your head!"
"Beks and I have these internal LG jokes that no one else gets, 'nooo nooo nooo'!"
"If you were here right now I'd stick a finger in your face and you would get mad and sit on me...and then I would wave a white flag..."
"Now you don't have to stay up and kill mosquitoes."
"If you hear some funny sounds its fleas trying to kill me...and me trying to kill them."
"I was in the bathroom taking a shit and looked down and there was a flea! Don't they have any respect for privacy?!"
"...and the number of LG's friends is reduced from 6 to 5..."
"I just cleaned out my belly button!"
"Your quotes are simply literary classics, they're evergreens." (on me telling him I write his J-isisms down)
"He's either really gay or Norwegian." (me on seeing a guy on campus)
"excuse me while I ejaculate...IT'S NOT TRUE!"
"this is an awkward pause. Do you have wet dreams?" -me
"I'm wearing fuck-all!" -J
"I'm wearing just socks! ...or just nothing!" -me
"a flea is impossible to kill!"
"want me to send you something?" -me
"yeah just your hand..." -J
"you're an old person now that you're 27" -me
"I would like to inform you that I've scratched my nuts the last 5 times without telling you."
"I stopped wondering about Jesus' resurrection from death because I can't figure out how that mosquito got in there" (got in his tight pants, that is.)
but to sum it up...
"you make me laugh so hard that MY FACE HURTS." -me
Every-now-and-then when the planets align and the moon is in the correct place I get to spend some time on the phone with J and we have a shits and giggles time.
Sometimes I keep a written record of J-isisms. Here's a taste of them.
"I can just see you tilting your head!"
"Beks and I have these internal LG jokes that no one else gets, 'nooo nooo nooo'!"
"If you were here right now I'd stick a finger in your face and you would get mad and sit on me...and then I would wave a white flag..."
"Now you don't have to stay up and kill mosquitoes."
"If you hear some funny sounds its fleas trying to kill me...and me trying to kill them."
"I was in the bathroom taking a shit and looked down and there was a flea! Don't they have any respect for privacy?!"
"...and the number of LG's friends is reduced from 6 to 5..."
"I just cleaned out my belly button!"
"Your quotes are simply literary classics, they're evergreens." (on me telling him I write his J-isisms down)
"He's either really gay or Norwegian." (me on seeing a guy on campus)
"excuse me while I ejaculate...IT'S NOT TRUE!"
"this is an awkward pause. Do you have wet dreams?" -me
"I'm wearing fuck-all!" -J
"I'm wearing just socks! ...or just nothing!" -me
"a flea is impossible to kill!"
"want me to send you something?" -me
"yeah just your hand..." -J
"you're an old person now that you're 27" -me
"I would like to inform you that I've scratched my nuts the last 5 times without telling you."
"I stopped wondering about Jesus' resurrection from death because I can't figure out how that mosquito got in there" (got in his tight pants, that is.)
but to sum it up...
"you make me laugh so hard that MY FACE HURTS." -me
11 October 2006
09 October 2006
09/06.
(sometimes I stumble upon things I've written not so long ago.)
Thinking of bags which memory snatches reminds me of ZA, where you didn't want to carry your memories (photos?) with you, someone was always around the next corner, back pressed against the wall waiting to take 'things that mattered' to me or to others; so that I would clutch them tightly, in my hand, against my chest, down my shirt. But near the end we realised that it's really just the memories (that we hope can't be taken away) and those shouldn't be snatched. Or that memory takes certain moments and won't let them leave me alone, so that we're struggling with what's necessary/required and what seems more realistic. These images are always masked, faces distorted, missing (?), forgotten...self preservation? It's somewhat welcome, this person waiting to steal the things which tie me to places...places where I feel like I'm stuck with the burden of all my physical surroundings; the freedom in that lightness teaches me many lessons.
Thinking of bags which memory snatches reminds me of ZA, where you didn't want to carry your memories (photos?) with you, someone was always around the next corner, back pressed against the wall waiting to take 'things that mattered' to me or to others; so that I would clutch them tightly, in my hand, against my chest, down my shirt. But near the end we realised that it's really just the memories (that we hope can't be taken away) and those shouldn't be snatched. Or that memory takes certain moments and won't let them leave me alone, so that we're struggling with what's necessary/required and what seems more realistic. These images are always masked, faces distorted, missing (?), forgotten...self preservation? It's somewhat welcome, this person waiting to steal the things which tie me to places...places where I feel like I'm stuck with the burden of all my physical surroundings; the freedom in that lightness teaches me many lessons.
I'm going into agriculture.
I decided I have no shame in the fact that I haven't shaved my legs in approximately three weeks.
I realized this today in 484 when I pulled my pant leg up to satisfy an itch somewhere below my knee. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the girl next to me gazing in the direction of my leg. We both knew fully well what she was looking at.
I'm pleased with the fact that my leg can be a spectacle. Diverting attention from the oh-so-enthralling lecture on, well, I couldn't really tell you what it was on because I was busy avoiding being called on since I hadn't done the readings (look, I had a French exam, priorities...).
[along those lines I've developed a full range of tactics to avoid being called on in class because too often I haven't done or fully finished the readings. My various methods include the normal: avoiding eye contact, pretending to look for the answer in the reading, pretending to write in my notebook, so forth. I've elaborated on these basics to include eating apples very slowly, hiding behind my water bottle, spending long periods of time in the bathroom, studying flashcards (thus always looking down), silently willing my peers to raise their hands, etc.]
Right. Agriculture. So this leg hair business. I'm not opposed to leg hair, especially not after MHS. I'm particularly not opposed to leg hair when the weather is cold. Apparently it does a decent job of keeping you warm. And, let's face it, since I'm constantly cold why shouldn't I try to keep warm by cultivating leg hair?
There are also the other minor reasons: fending away unwanted male predators, not having anyone to feel my legs, the shock value for the orthopedic surgeon and radiologist, and ultimately the possibility to pluck them out one-by-one when needing to procrastinate work for AP.
I've got this all figured out.
We'll see how much longer I last without getting fed up. (it just feels so appropriate to utilize the word 'harvest' here...but I'm refraining.)
I realized this today in 484 when I pulled my pant leg up to satisfy an itch somewhere below my knee. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the girl next to me gazing in the direction of my leg. We both knew fully well what she was looking at.
I'm pleased with the fact that my leg can be a spectacle. Diverting attention from the oh-so-enthralling lecture on, well, I couldn't really tell you what it was on because I was busy avoiding being called on since I hadn't done the readings (look, I had a French exam, priorities...).
[along those lines I've developed a full range of tactics to avoid being called on in class because too often I haven't done or fully finished the readings. My various methods include the normal: avoiding eye contact, pretending to look for the answer in the reading, pretending to write in my notebook, so forth. I've elaborated on these basics to include eating apples very slowly, hiding behind my water bottle, spending long periods of time in the bathroom, studying flashcards (thus always looking down), silently willing my peers to raise their hands, etc.]
Right. Agriculture. So this leg hair business. I'm not opposed to leg hair, especially not after MHS. I'm particularly not opposed to leg hair when the weather is cold. Apparently it does a decent job of keeping you warm. And, let's face it, since I'm constantly cold why shouldn't I try to keep warm by cultivating leg hair?
There are also the other minor reasons: fending away unwanted male predators, not having anyone to feel my legs, the shock value for the orthopedic surgeon and radiologist, and ultimately the possibility to pluck them out one-by-one when needing to procrastinate work for AP.
I've got this all figured out.
We'll see how much longer I last without getting fed up. (it just feels so appropriate to utilize the word 'harvest' here...but I'm refraining.)
08 October 2006
The 4th.
The things that I've come to appreciate:
-the term 'gorgeous'
-7:35am wake up messages (and existing with the hesitation that it might still be too early...)
-signed 'x'.
-'babe, babe, babe, listen...'
-my wake up messages (when they happen)
-'grrrr...'
The things that I'm learning to appreciate:
-technology
-that phone conversations have to satisfy
-the element of surprise (?)
-being forced to sort stuff out on my own
-that we will wrestle and I might lose...
The things that I will appreciate:
-cuddling (mmhmm...)
-cookie?
-warm bottles (maybe)
-not always having to talk
-um, you. (in physical form, infront of me)
-the term 'gorgeous'
-7:35am wake up messages (and existing with the hesitation that it might still be too early...)
-signed 'x'.
-'babe, babe, babe, listen...'
-my wake up messages (when they happen)
-'grrrr...'
The things that I'm learning to appreciate:
-technology
-that phone conversations have to satisfy
-the element of surprise (?)
-being forced to sort stuff out on my own
-that we will wrestle and I might lose...
The things that I will appreciate:
-cuddling (mmhmm...)
-cookie?
-warm bottles (maybe)
-not always having to talk
-um, you. (in physical form, infront of me)
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