What does it mean to: (be here.)

Jealousy. I lack this feeling here. Although I hesitate, maybe a hint of it here and there. But to be jealous, of this? No. I do not envy these people, their horses, their lives. What do they do? I don't envy them because I don't want this to be my career, it's not fulfilling enough. Or maybe it's not that, maybe it's just that I want to keep it special and doing it all of the time would make it not-so-special.

And following my heart. Not just with humans but with horses too. Rowan is still injured. I don't trust the vet, we've been running in circles, we still don't know what's wrong. I've spent more money than I have. But I don't trust what she wants to do. I don't know much about veterinary medicine but my heart tells me that messing around with his joints is not the right solution. How can I make that judgment? Am I being logical-- getting a second opinion even though I can't afford it?

I don't think they're killing my Spirit. I think it's being challenged but I don't think it will be wrecked. Wreckage. Climbing out of it. I will be back to normal when I finally leave this place. It's not hopeless.