I'm not ready to make nice.

"I knew that email wouldn't make you feel better."
What the fuck? Then why the hell would you send it?

Maybe I'm not trying to feel better, maybe I'm just trying to find a way to come to grips with sharing my boy with American girls. I mean, it's not sharing in the literal sense of the word but it is sharing in some way. So why am I so perturbed about this? Because I was one of those girls. I was the girl who could be quoted as saying, "oh he has a girlfriend? That never stopped anyone." And it never stopped me, ever. Not here, not in South Africa, not when I had a boyfriend, not when he had a girlfriend, not if they were "in love" with their significant other (never me, I never was until now, I never dished it out that easily.), not if there were strong emotions involved. By the end of my last semester at Owen Liz had coined me "the predator," if I wanted a boy I was on a mission to get him. But I never really understood this because boys were always (unwanted on my end) pursuing me and I was always trying to figure out how to be nice while simultaneously getting them to move on. (I guess sometimes that depended on me leaving the country, I'm always fleeing, as if leaving is the answer... but of course it's always easier to be the one doing the leaving.) Remember HSB? And that boy from the HF? Or the Election Boy? (he was SO hot, and potentially the reason why I was a Political Science major...) Even LC, I could probably get him if I actually tried.

But none of this is the point, not really. It was because I was always looking for something more, I was looking for something that felt right (something like SFB1, except in more mature circumstances.). And then I had the Final Fling. At the time I didn't realize it would be the Final Fling, he was Norwegian and exotic, radiating sexual vibes and turning heads so that when Gary and I were sitting on Jammie steps I couldn't help but proclaim that I would get him,
Gary: but I think he has a girlfriend.
Me: so?
It wasn't difficult to "get him" because in recent years I've found that if I'm just myself it suffices. The Nordic Babe was the perfect mix of sports and fun, the number of times we went out together would have made his girlfriend fuming. I didn't care, she wasn't there and neither him nor I was going to tell her. (Distance can hide many things. It did and it still has.) All along I knew that he was just my fling of '06, I knew that I would always remember him as that dreamy surreal infatuation, something that seemed to go along with my whole experience in that country.

And between all of this came AVH. He was cute but I was still infatuated with the Nordic Babe to really notice. Sometimes I think that where I'm at right now would be a whole lot better if what had happened during my last two weeks in that country had been different. I love AVH dearly but having an ocean separate us makes it difficult to conceptualize how the hell this is supposed to work. So what, I've got my doubts.

The whole point of this is in response to what B has eloquently summarized as his stating: we're really far away from each other and all these women were throwing themselves at me and I was totally into it cause it made me feel important.

I understand that it's nice to know that people are attracted to you, but the point of this paragraph: is it to make me pissed? Sad? Reconsider our situation? Because these are all of the emotions that I am having; and quite frankly, I think that my response is a very typical one. I don't see how any good could come from this, "oh honey, I'm so happy that girls are throwing themselves at you, my perception of your cuteness has evidence now." So if you were trying to make me cry I would just like to let you know that it worked.

(I don't want to be discouraging of AVH having fun but American girls scare me because I feel like I used to act like one.)

I think it's important for you to have fun but I also think it's important for you to not make me feel this way.


I finally washed you out of my sheets today, it was probably time.