Last night I cried myself to sleep. I'm frustrated and disconnected and feeling lost.
I once remember telling myself never again, not after I spent months in what I think of as a blackhole; a section of my life where I only remember feeling horrible and broken and doing things I would have never done if I had been 'normal'. Where there are slideshows of moments that are so vivid that they were placed in the nightmare category, less by choice then by necessity.
But it has been four years since then. A lot changes in four years.
I never left seeking to be in this situation. So when I think about the future and get all confused and slightly worried I have to force myself to not think that far ahead (this is probably good). Finishing AP (Academic Prison) will happen faster than I am imagining at this moment.
I guess I'm frustrated because talking to you has always made me feel better, (even that first conversation) and last night I felt as though there were a gap and that worries me.
Gah, I know that none of this is logical. But there's part of me that doesn't care because I like the way I felt/feel. And, well, sometimes life itself isn't logical.
Maybe it's that I don't want to let go of that section of my life. It was already disconnected in the first place.
I didn't sleep well last night and this morning I woke up feeling the residue of already-forgotten dreams (about you).
Isn't that the way life is sometimes....?
1 comment:
"Love is a burning thing and it makes a fiery ring. Bound by wild desire, I fell into a ring of fire...."
June Carter Cash knows her shit. "Love is a many splendored thing" is a saying that can only be deemed pants. Love burns (burns, burns, burns). But it can be good. You have to remember that. Sometimes you have to figure out how to make it good. Sometimes you have to call me and demand an answer even though I don't have one. And sometimes, you just have to cry yourself to sleep.
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