Days of wonder and confusion playing all its games.

(I don't think I will be able to justifiably articulate myself. Oh well.)

I can feel my instinct creeping up, that logical sense that time can't out-rule. I want to claim to be honest, but many times I'm not...but this isn't really about those times, it's about this time.

In a way I seem to have forced these words, things I don't want to read, or even consider. I want to push you away. No. I don't want to. But I feel like I should. (one thing you've taught me has been to clarify myself.)

Ugh, fuck.

These feelings aren't new. Part of me wishes they were, then I wouldn't know what I've jumped head-first into. But my head tells me where this goes, it tells me the words that I've asked so many other people here and on my travels.

So I simply want to wrap myself up, exist in the world of headphones and "Love in the Time of Cholera". Homework, horses, libraries. Buried in pillows on my bed. Transfer the effort to 498 or 301. Give up easier.

I'm scared that I don't want to look elsewhere. I find myself feeling like I should. I want you to tell me I shouldn't. I want to know, from you, that it's worth it to wait.

Sometimes it takes distance to realize this stuff.

I just need an affirmation. From you. That what has and is happening does mean something.

(and if it does, then I just have to let myself believe it.)