051606

I feel a little drunk, I already know that I won't start my paper until tomorrow. Stones. We're going to Stones because it's Tuesday night. We meander there and I have absolutely no money, didn't bring any with me. We mill around, chat a bit. JC and I sit at the bar and chat, he buys us a shot. I'm half distracted. Blue Eyes buys me a double mixer. Oy. I'm getting trashed without having any money. Blue Eyes and I challenge each other to a game of pool, I'm close to winning. The bar has filtered out, I realize that there are only three of us left from the group. We're talking about hair. (??) Niz is leaving. I steal his coat and put it on, he makes me give it back before we go outside. (Why is he waiting for me?) Why doesn't he grab my arm and demand that it's time to go, that girls can't walk home alone. But I turn and see him waiting at the top of the stairs, I need to leave. We walk out on to the sidewalk, it has been raining. The street is pretty empty, I stop looking at the time, too often time doesn't matter anymore. I feel odd, it's raining, I'm in my sandals and the bottoms of my jeans are getting wet, if I weren't drunk I would care very much. I have every intention of going home, I already know that I don't want to try anything, I don't have that feeling. I pause at the corner, he beckons me to come with him, "I don't have any keys" and "how am I supposed to help you then?" I complain that it's pointless for me to go with you, you walk ahead and I pause at the corner. I lean against the building and see you walking back, you see me and we laugh. I catch up. It's raining now. We go inside and I realize how wet I am. I hang my coat up and wander into the living room. Mama R makes me tea and then I'm sitting on the wooden chair eating peanut M&Ms. Niz complains that we're watching surfing on TV but we're all too drunk to really do anything about it. I want to learn how to surf. (I bet I'd be good at it.) They fall asleep on the couches while I fall asleep on the wooden chair. I'm jostled awake when Mama R gets up to go to her own bed, oh oh dear I should go home... she tells me to stay, I can stay in her bed, but I'm sick of sleeping with other people, it's been almost two weeks since I've had a bed to myself. I'm tired. Too much alcohol. She tells me to pick an empty bed, can I have his? Sure, they're sleeping on the couch. She gives me pants and I strip out of my wet jeans, leaving them in a pile on her floor. There's a pile of climbing clips in the way of the door, I push them out of the way, flick on the light. I push clothes off the bed. I almost immediately fall into a most glorious sleep. The next thing I know is that I'm woken up by the light being turned on and Blue Eyes is coming in. What the fuck is going on? I'm half drunk, half asleep. I roll over, the light goes out and he's suddenly in bed with me. I'm facing the wall curled into a ball (my normal post-drunkenness position). He wraps his arms around me and I am awake. (I've been in a daze for 3 days now, I'm existing on autopilot, separated from feeling, separated from thought.) My heart starts to beat faster, he's taking my pants off and I don't stop him. I know I'm supposed to take his off but I hesitate to do so. I imagine they're black. We're tangled in sheets, legs, arms, bodies pressing against each other. He doesn't kiss very much and I understand why because I've done the same thing, for some reason it makes actions ok, once someone told me that's what prostitutes do. I know what's supposed to happen, I'm supposed to offer myself to you. You move me around and I let you, I think of SFB1 as you try to shove my legs open, I let it go on too long, mental arguments, I bite my tongue several times, I have to say something. "I can't do this," "I won't do this with you." You're confused, does this ever happen to someone like you? You flop down next to me, "why me?" I say, and you say, "well, why me?" I don't understand but smile and laugh, we're a lot alike, I understand what you're saying, or at least I seem to know what you're implying.

It's happening. It has happened. I suspect that I fell into a light sleep, still pressed against this boy with the blue eyes. I can hear the rain outside, the wind. It's perfect.

As I walk home a homeless man with his shopping cart stops me on the street, "it's nice to be able to stand up in the morning."

Indeed it is.