Like my material possessions, those of which I prefer to have neatly folded on respective shelves or in respective baskets, or my bed (most of the time) fluffed and made up each morning, I prefer (for the most part) that my life be in a state of coherent penciled-in balance. ....wait, don't we all?
That's why when things feel as though they're falling apart it appears as though a chain-reaction of negatives proceeds. It's so easy to get consumed in this.
So I had a moment with AVH. Or, well, not really with him but about him. What triggered it? Oh... I probably couldn't even tell you. I suspect an inadequate conversation or a conversation cut short. I mean, when you never see the person speaking with each other is kinda a big deal. Henceforth ensued something along the lines of a retaliation of sorts. A questioning of what kinds of demands do I place on a relationship with someone I (practically) never see. An examining of what I think I need and what I think I need to be offering. Or maybe just the general overall: what the fuck am I doing in this relationship? Whether it be fear or anger I proceeded to refrain from contact. I spent the several days dwelling on the negative side of the spectrum. And sometimes I'm so good at being self-centered that it's frightening (at least per ideal society's definition). But, so what? I'm allowed to be. But I'm not so sure that not talking is a very good plan. We sifted through some stuff last night but I still feel like there's a big, fat pink elephant in the room (and I know it's because 6 months is too long, and 2 months is too long, and 4 weeks is too...). So I guess in a way of sorts there is still a brick wall there.
And then there was French. I'm only going to say a couple things about French.
1) If French is the reason why I don't graduate this semester someone is going to experience a horrific amount of wrath from me (and it is likely that it may be myself...)
2) If French is the reason why I don't get into graduate school I will be beyond fucking pissed.
3) If the GRE tests me on French I'm not going to graduate school.
4) The effort I am going to have to put forth for French class will be equal to the combination of work for my three other courses. Oy.
5) Have I ever mentioned that this is a love-hate relationship?
So about that pink bow? Yah, not gonna happen.
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2 comments:
Any amount of time seems like too long. It always does. But, having been in a somewhat similar relationship, I know how hard it is. BUT having been able to spend 8 months with my (ex) bf before he left, I felt like I had more to go on and it seems like maybe it would be hard to continue to build a relationship when you're thousands of miles away. You're a brave girl. A strong girl. Maybe if I'd been stronger I wouldn't be alone now.
French is not going to be on your GRE dude! Unless you want to go to grad school for French.
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