Burnt red.

It's sometimes tough when one realizes they are like their mother in certain ways. Things that I swore I would never to do my children (and, I suppose that includes 'significant others' as well) -- I unknowingly obtained the uncanny way of making another feel guilty.

The concerning thing is, I know exactly how it feels to be on the receiving end of this situation. It feels terrible. And now, I'm only enough to dish it out too-- most of the time I have the faint nudging that I'm doing it but never actually stop doing it.

I just miss AVH, like a lot. It's frustrating lately, feeling so separated from him. Wondering if or when I make the (ultimately very frightening) decision to say 'ok, it's time to be near you now.' (that is, of course, if we ever reach that point.) Of course, if I were left to ma vie en rose I wouldn't let myself have so much doubt, I wouldn't walk so cautiously, I would boldly say, 'yes, we will reach that point' but AVH has influenced me to include such parentheses.