I didn't think that I was sleeping, I thought I was awake... my how things change.

Part of me thinks that it would be easier to give in. Pack up. Go home.

My exhaustion is physical and mental. But I wonder, how can I be mentally exhausted when I feel so numb? It's going through the motions, no poetry here, only mechanics.
Is it a safety device? Wiping the initials out of the snow on Tappan on a snowy evening. Orange salt water. So different by day, by night.

She gave me a necklace with orange beads, she said that she made it when I first met you and that's why I should have it. I was crying. To wake with that feeling, residue, to know that I saw you and to know that you wouldn't look at me. It felt so pieced together nights ago but today it changed. No response. That's the worst. That's why I will call him even though I know I shouldn't, because he won't answer, and it won't happen because that's the way it works.

So I should change the memory. Because I can. It's not fixed, I can convince myself otherwise. Over and over again. I won't go to the ocean. Maybe they don't change, maybe we just forget. Forgetting. Ahh, the easy way out. Or maybe it's pretending. It didn't exist in the first place. Convincing.

I'm beginning to realize that maybe there isn't much difference between being awake and being asleep. They're both starting to feel so real, so unreal.

Congratulations.