I thought that I would write an eloquent letter, explaining myself (because they would never listen), introducing myself, defending myself. Maybe I have finally learned how to keep my mouth shut. Or maybe I've just given up on caring. No letters, no nice words.
Accusations, distrust, they're out to get me. What wrong have I intentionally done? Leaving? Is that considered wrong? In their world it is. In their world I should be begging to fold their underwear. Lunge my horse. Put the saddle on. No thanks. Somewhere along the line did you forget that I'm human too?
Stronger? I'm not stronger. I just know how to hide my weaknesses better. I've got them figured out. They tear down confidence, self-assurance, they make us shut up. Let's go out back to the whipping post. People are disposable to them. The journey to the top is alone (forget about the horse, it's just a vessel). No words for them, from me. I don't want to leave my words with people who won't read them. Or who will read them, just won't listen to them. Always on the defense.
Nothing is ever good enough. So, I'm not good enough because I'm not perfect, nor is my horse. Because, I'm tired. I'm working 7 days a week, 13 hour days. I'm burned. I'm exhausted. I'm over it. I'm ready to be happy again. After this, I can't continue living with the thought that all people are inherently good. Cynical. Naive. Ah, depressing.
So we're outta here. Ciao. Au Revoir. Fuck you. They don't deserve such good people. Ashamed to mention their name, to be associated with it. Can't I erase these 5 months?
And from here? Where am I running to? Confusion. What am I doing? Going back to him. The lack of caring has distilled into all facets of life. That's what happens when you feel terrible about yourself. Don't even want to ride my horse anymore. Acceptance by intimidation. Take a look at yourselves. And him? Should he make it up to me? Should I listen to my girlfriends? Should I get laid? On random? Jab in the side. Petty. Stupid.
3 more days.
No more afterglow.
No thanks.
No words.
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2 comments:
get laid, always a good idea ;-)
i love you. you're almost free!! I should have kidnapped from you there months ago. I'm sorry.
He should make it up to you. For weeks. For months. Hurting someone as amazing as you shouldn't go unpunished. That's why they do it over and over again. Sometimes we let them.
Sex is fun, but only when you really want it. You either need to care about the person, or care about having fun/good sex. Any other reason will only come back to the surface immediately afterward. Believe me, I know.
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