10:34pm my phone rings. Picking up my phone, "unavailable". It's AVH. Why is he calling me again? Earlier this evening we spoke for nearly a half hour.
LG: Hello?
AVH: Babe. (lots of background noise)
LG: Hey, what's up? Where are you?
AVH: I'm on the sun deck.
The sun deck. Ah yes, the sun deck. Memories of an October evening, after three days of not eating, shaking, crying-- the infamous night he broke up with me to my face. But this time it's different. This time, in a week's time, I will be there. For good. I'm ready.
...but am I really ready? For the first time I'm starting to feel some doubt. I'm leaving Rowan after nearly a year of being engrossed in horses-- after 5 months of just horses I'm about to go cold turkey. Poof. Like that. I'm wondering if I'll regret this, leaving my Rowan, leaving after developing such a good seat, such good horsemanship skills. It's a shame really, "you could go all the way if you wanted" (sometimes I wish I had that drive).
But it's not really any of that. Maybe it's that I don't know what I would do if I didn't join the Ob. I seem to be in the mentality that this was my only option, even though it wasn't-- I could have gone to Europe, trained will Ulla or California to train with Jan. I could have done many things. So the more I talk about it and the more I think about it maybe it really does come down to females making these sacrifices. (that's what Dmar says) And how is it that we can be OK with them?
But, the hardest thing about all of this is leaving Rowan. He has been my life for the past 6 months, how can I just leave him? I worry that I will lose sight of my passion after being away from it for so long, will I lose interest in Rowan? Will I decide that being tied down (by a horse) is just something I don't want burdening me? Will I just forget about how much he has meant to me for the past year and a half? These thoughts frighten me.
But AVH. I'm not worried about that. I'm ready for that part.
2 comments:
Nah, the horses are in our blood. Its not, as dad used to say, "just another phase." When you return, it will be as if nothing has changed (except perhaps your seat might be a tad more shifty).
Ohyeah, but at first, that major withdrawal is gonna suck.
I think it's sort of interesting that you worry you'll lose interest in Rowan, or that you'll decide you don't want him as a burden anymore.
Most people would say that about a significant other. And yet, you're giving up a lot to be with this man. Why does it seem that we always make the sacrifices, even if they don't always really deserve it?
Curiouser and curiouser.
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