The city's turning all my love to sin.

So I had some really fun stuff to write about, like all my interpretations of F-week and a brief trip to The Greatest State in the Union... but then I arrived home, putzed around, and fell into somewhat of a pre-AP slump. How to explain?

I've reached the point where I have to begin to seriously consider what the heck I'm supposed to do with my life post-AP. The problem seems to be too many choices, not lack thereof. Fuck. There are GREs, CHAs, CTMs (if you can figure this one out you get 5 points).

While perhaps I'm not as concerned about school as I normally would be (usually I have all my text books by now, but perhaps I'm just too poor to actually purchase them) there is this lingering hesitation of being so-very-close to knowing life without school (that is, if that's the path I choose). I still found myself skittering about tonight, doing laundry, folding clothes, sifting through paperwork, organizing my life.

I have this white laundry basket next to my trashcan that is filled with everything from The Adventure and tonight I decided I would try to put it in some form of organization. It's been sitting there for a month now (has it been that long?), just long enough for the top layer to be items of intrusion (car repair receipts, new cell phone box, old school papers, maps of the US). I started to spread piles around me on the floor, receipts, tourist brochures, pictures, memories.

And honest to goodness I started crying.

It's difficult to shuffle papers with blurry eyes so I tossed everything back into the basket; I think it's going to be there for a while. I'm starting to learn that sometimes I can't look at the pictures and now I can't look at the physical items because it's just too tough. I don't want it to be that way but I also have to respect the impact that entire experience had on my life.

Tonight was one of those conversations with AVH that left me feeling odd. I figured a quick run would clear my head (and fill it with, um, leg pain) and when it didn't I figured a nice shower would perhaps do a better job, but no luck there either. So that's the way it goes with situations like this. It's very testing of myself and there's such a huge part of me that wants to be able to make something (what?) happen... but there's also a part of me that isn't so certain I'm capable of it. I hate these cycles. I also hate that when I'm feeling like this I can't cuddle into your shoulder and not care about the world.

Thinking about the future is inevitable because it seems like such a prevalent issue in the upcoming months. I'm afraid to admit to myself (let alone to others) that I think I'm willing to give up quite a lot to make some things happen after I graduate. What exactly does that mean? I'm still confused with where I'm at.

Why do I always have to doubt the good things? (and how many times can you continue to make me feel wonderful again?)

Are we just stupid and naive and living some fantasy of self-created idealism? This is the question I've been asking myself of late, I've just been delaying bringing it up.

Please forgive me for embracing the emo status.